Yeti | random swill

Left your Christmas shopping until the last minute? You slack bastard. Can’t think of what to get your annoying little nephew Trevor? (No, forget him, he’s a little shit.) Thank your invisible sky dweller of choice I’m here.

You won’t have to endure that stopping-at-the-bottom-of-shopping mall-escalators mass of humanity, and endless Christmas carols so bad you want to perforate your eardrum with a chicken skewer.

You’ll think all your Christmases have come at once with www.skymall.com – a vertiable one stop shop for all your Christmas needs.*

Always wanted a t-shirt that smells like bacon? Of course you have. Just stay away from rabid dogs.

Can’t say I’ve ever been tempted by time, whether Gothic, sexy, and / or crouching.
That definitely won’t change with The Gothic Temptress Calendar. Note the leather and S&M chains. Classy. Imagine having a meeting with some bloke with this on his desk. You would be tempted to ask if his views on women are still stuck in 1427.

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I know what you’re thinking: “I wish some artisan would craft a bespoke Bigfoot Tree Yeti Sculpture.” All that kneeling at the foot of your bed worked…

Chewbacca and Abe Lincoln's lovechild — Chewbacca and Abe Lincoln’s lovechild

Now, the piece of resistance. I give you The Zombie of Montclaire Moors as discussed on various late night TV shows. I assume the plan is you stick old mate in the ground next to your magnificent Double Delight roses and scare the bejesus out of young kiddies and get blank looks and eye rolls from adults. Go on, you know you want to, you always were the “wacky and zany” one.

Zombie Holocompost meets Lawn of the Dead

Go and sleigh him, Santa.

©Steve Williams 2014

So it just went away did it? Remember The Bermuda Triangle? That spooky vortex of naughtiness between Florida, Bermuda and Puerto Rico that sucked up planes and ships like a Dyson vacuum cleaner on Honey Boo Boo Child’s go-go juice?

121886_9076 — The Devil’s Triangle about to call Kris Jenner

You just don’t hear about it any more — the Bermuda Triangle, not Honey Boo Boo unfortunately. Though some would wish she and her eloquent kinfolk would also disappear.

The Bermuda Triangle was also known as “The Devil’s Triangle” which some more über-rabid religions would probably use to describe bikini bottoms, but I digress.

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The same could be said for the Loch Ness Monster. Has he retired? Hung up his humps? There hasn’t been a blurry, grainy, shaky, long distance sighting for years. This is surprising, considering how every human being is armed with a smart phone capable of documenting his (or her) “existence” and that of of its colleagues the Yeti / Big Foot / Sasquatch / Abominable Snowman and the random “GIANT HAMSTERS STEAL BOY!!!!” that the screaming tabloids regurgitate every month or so.

Maybe Nessie is shuffling along the sands of the Florida coast with his Zimmer frame in his LOUD shorts, gazing out towards the Bermuda Triangle, thinking they would have made an awesome kombination. They just need some help. Time to call Kim Kardashian’s mum Kris Jenner…

Tag: Yeti

Christmas gifts that keep on giving (and other clichés*)

Bermuda Triangle — Disappearing Act?

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