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Catch Prince Harry in Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

Posted on by SW

Prince Harry’s “autobiography” Spare has now been released globally, not just for the lucky la pueblo of Spain.

Prince Harry stars in Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

When the white-hot media spotlight that Harry detests, but is happy to bask in as he whores himself around flogging his book fades, he’ll be desperately needing more ways to stretch out and cash in on his ginge whinge-fest at the Royal Family and the universe.

I have an absolutely brilliant concept that will have Broadway and The West End charging down the gates of H&M’s Montecito mansion.

Presenting… Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

Just imagine it… a musical interpretation of the juiciest, TMI and WTAF? bits of Harry’s book.

The Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ stage is a barren, frigid dystopia, complete with a frozen palace and ice sculptures of the Royal Family.

The musical opens with Harry, playing himself, feeling lost and overshadowed by his older brother and with massive Pa and mummy issues. As he struggles to find his identity, he is mentored by a wise, older woman who takes him under her wing and helps him discover his passions and talents. She also takes Harry’s virginity while spanking his arse in a field behind a pub. SPOLIER: This woman is not the “dangerous” Camilla. 

Without giving too much away, highlights of Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ include the moving scene when Harry’s dick falls off from frostbite in the Arctic set to a heartrending ballad, I Have A Frozen Todger. You will also see Meghan and Kate battle it out over everything from bridesmaid’s dresses to lip gloss.

Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ will recount Harry’s words on his military career, including how he killed 25 Taliban types in Afghanistan. This is right after the Target On My Back scene where he bitches at his family how they have put the security of Meghan and his children at risk. 

Relive all the classic, unforgettable moments from Spare, including the necklace-breaking-dog bowl-smashing fight with William set to Clear The Heir and being forced at gunpoint by William and Kate to wear a Nazi uniform.

You’ll love the rousing, sing-a-long chorus to William and I Are Circumcised, But I Wish My Family Would Stop Leaking Private Things To The Media and the angst-ridden plea, Please Let Me Keep My Beard.

Other songs are being written as Harry does more interviews, but the emotionally-charged finale of Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ sees Harry tearfully performing a solo routine demonstrating his freedom, set to a pathetically clichéd reworking of Let it Go from Frozen, complete with a crown and cape made of glittering icicles, while the ice sculptures of his father, stepmother and brother slowly melt in the background.

Just wild about Prince Harry? Don’t miss Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

©Steve Williams 2023

Tim Paine bowled middle stump with dick pic

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They say cricket is a funny old game, more like fucking hilarious.

Howzat for a dick pic?

Just three years after Australian cricket captain Steve Smith resigned in a flood of tears and sandpaper, last Friday Tim Paine tucked the bat under his arm and quit as captain over a dick pic. You couldn’t make this shit up. If only Tim had been wearing a protector.

Paine resigned over sexting a former colleague, a Cricket Tasmania employee… there were “lewd messages” and an unsolicited dick pic. As usual these sports “stars” think they can do anything and get away with it. When I first heard about this, l assumed it had just happened, but no, the piccing of said dick occurred in 2017 and by all accounts went straight through to the keeper.

Take it away Tim, “At the time” Paine said during his resignation press conference, “the exchange was the subject of a thorough Cricket Australia Integrity Unit investigation, throughout which I fully participated in and openly participated in. That investigation and a Cricket Tasmania HR investigation at the same time found that there had been no breach of the Cricket Australia Code of Conduct.”

So you take a photo of your middle stump, send it to a colleague and it’s fine?

“Integrity Unit” LOL. What the actual fuck do you have to do to breach the Code of Conduct? How about bringing the game into disrepute for a vague start?

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At the time, Paine had only been captain for two tests, married for only eighteen months and had recently welcomed a new baby. Nice.

Right on cue, Shane Warne came off the long run in defence of Paine, but with Warnie’s runs on the scandal board, he may not be the best person for a character reference.

Cricket Tasmania also padded up in support of Tim the Tool Man, slamming Cricket Australia for their treatment of Paine, likening it to that of Bill Lawry, who was dumped as captain of the Australian cricket team during the 1970-71 Ashes series. From memory and I could be wrong, but I don’t recall Bill attempting to bowl a maiden over with a dick pic.

Has anyone asked how Scott Morrison is? The Australian Prime Minister is a self-confessed cricket tragic (during cricket season and when there’s a beer and camera around him) and must be taking this very hard. As it were.

With an Ashes series about to commence, England’s Barmy Army will be absolutely Stoked with all of this, there are so many words that rhyme with “dick”, their songs will write themselves.

©Steve Williams 2021

Welcome to Anti-Vax Island!

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Imagine if all the anti-vaxxers moved to their own island where they had all the freedom they have been demanding…

“Well hi, fellow anti-vaxxers!!

A big, we-all-know-COVID-is-bullshit welcome to Anti-Vax Island, our tropical sovereign resort paradise where we can finally express ourselves… with freedom from those vaccinated sheeples.

People have been dying to come here!

You won’t find any of these in the Anti-Vax Island minibar!

Right now, our lovely coughing, mask-less hostesses are serving your complimentary Anti-Vax Island welcome cocktail, ‘Giddy Up’… with 666 shots (sorry, I shouldn’t use that word) of Ivermectin and bleach.

First up, I would like to apologise for the lack of mobile phone reception on the island, obviously none of us have been injected with Bill Gates’ 5G towers.

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A special Anti-Vax Island welcome to you professional sportspeople, including NRL, AFL, NHL, MBL, NBL and tennis players… oh… a very special I-will-not-reveal-my-status-whether-I-have-been-vaccinated-or-not greeting to you Novax … you will be residing in our luxurious Vax-Vacillation Villa.

Karens, COVID deniers, Big Pharma conspiracy theorists, I am sovereigns, those who did their own research, New World Order aficionados, it only kills old people people, ‘You can’t tell me what to put in my body’ guests and those who think the COVID vaccine will make you magnetic… you don’t like being told what to do or think, so you will need to find your own accommodation on the island.

I’ll let you get settled in, then we’ll start our super-fun Anti-Vax Island activities!!

You’re going to love it!! We’ll be rewriting our DNA, learning to say ‘You can still transmit the virus even if you are vaccinated’ in ten different languages, a bible study class to prove Jesus wasn’t vaccinated, coming up with even more abusive terms for Chinese people, holding your breath for three days to prove you don’t have the Coronavirus, different ways to scream ‘SEGREGATION!!’ at café staff and finally… a cooking class on how to make delicious hydroxychloroquine meals with cow urine pairing.

So welcome again to Anti-Vax Island, where as the song says, you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”

©Steve Williams 2021

Freedom Day… frothy pokies… and segregation. WTAF?

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As someone originally from Sydney, I followed yesterday’s so-called Freedom Day from a distance with some interest, hilarity and anger.

Blokes free to do blokey things

After 106 days in lockdown, it appeared Sydney-siders were desperate to queue up to get into a local club at the stroke of midnight to do their dough on the poker machines, cram into their local Kmart also at midnight to buy stuff they could’ve bought online at any stage in the past 106 days, drink copious amounts of beer and get a haircut… preferably simultaneously.

From the coverage I saw, it was men doing all of this. Weren’t the good womenfolk freed, or are they still back in 1953 doing the ironing Tony Abbott style?

There were joyous resurrection scenes of the new New South Wales Premier, fresh from a haircut (and possibly Kmart) rolling out the barrel at a pub, then drinking the contents while standing up, contravening his own government’s regulations… the standing up bit, not rolling out the barrel. The words “freedom frothie” were mentioned.  It was all very blokey, though there may have been someone with a uterus serving the beers, “I’ll have a schooner of cringe-worthy media stunts, thanks love.”

Premier Perrottet would have been better served doing his Freedom Day media bit from a hospital, thanking all the healthcare workers for their amazing and selfless work, but nah… a pub’s better for the telly and compulsory for Australian political leaders. 

Sadly and not surprisingly, yesterday didn’t mark freedom from fuckwits. 

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Anti-vaxxer nutjobs were out and about in force. Thankfully Freedom Day didn’t apply to them… the NSW government mandated that retail and hospitality could reopen, provided all staff and customers were fully vaccinated.

Some random dickhead at a café in Sydney’s inner west took exception to this and started abusing the barista how he was “walking implicitly into segregation”. LOL. If only he had walked implicitly into a fist.

“Segregation” must have been in the recent talking points faxed to anti-vaxxers, as Home and Away actor Sam Frost posted a tearful Instagram video in which she made the bizarre plea, “I hope that this segregation disappears and that people treat each other like human beings with kindness and compassion and empathy.” The world-renowned epidemiologist and soap star also listed reasons why people aren’t getting vaccinated, except her own.

Segregation? Seriously? Just FRO and get vaccinated. 

How’s the kindness, compassion and empathy?

©Steve Williams 2021