COVID-19… taking the piss

Now, where was I?

What a time. What an absolute clusterfuck.

Betsy enjoyed her lip-smacking Ivermectin

With slightly dodgy lungs, I’ve been desperately trying to avoid attracting the attention of the COVID-19 lurgy. So far so good… and thankfully now fully vaccinated, I’m still alert but not alarmed. 

Though sadly, like the rest of us, I haven’t been able to avoid nutjob anti-vaxxers, rabid anti-mask wearers and the heart-worming stories of people who think it’s a brilliant idea to combat COVID-19 by overdosing on the anti-parasitic agent Ivermectin, commonly used to treat animals… usually very large ones such as cows and horses.

You have to wonder who was the first person to try Ivermectin? “You know what Trevor? You know how Ivermectin cleared up Betsy’s heartworm, I reckon it’ll be good for my pesky COVID-19 cough, so I’m gonna whiz up an Ivermectin milkshake.” 

Yes, Ivermectin is just the latest in seriously fucked up COVID-19 “treatments” and “cures”. 

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There’s been anti-static clothing, “nano-silver” toothpaste, necklaces to ward off COVID-19 (sans vampire-warding off garlic I assume), a German vaccine beer, an anti-corona mattress, virus-killing deodorant, even activewear brand Lorna Jane claimed its boffins had come up with “LJ Shield Activewear” sprayed with “groundbreaking technology” that could protect wearers against “viruses including COVID-19”. Spoiler alert: It couldn’t and the company was whacked $5 million by the Australian Federal Court. 

Who could forget the orange former US president suggesting disinfectant and ultraviolet light could be handy protection against COVID-19? That seems like several lifetimes ago. I wonder what he would make of a wellness influencer touting the benefits of 30 seconds of sun on your butthole. The mental image of a nude Trump, legs akimbo, saluting the sun is not to anyone’s benefit.

But wait, there’s more. An Indian politician suggested drinking cow urine, unfortunately he wasn’t taking the piss. Then there was Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko who apparently suggested driving a tractor and drinking alcohol will prevent COVID-19, though I’m not sure if he meant simultaneously.

Unfortunately, when you combine ignorance, desperation and in a lot of cases rampant stupidity and throw in the viral impact of misinformation from seriously fucked up Facebook groups, bizarre YouTube videos and conspiracy theorists on radio and TV screaming at gullible people, you get a deadly cocktail.   

I’ll stick to the science, thanks.

Though in the words of John Denver, sunshine on my butthole may make me happy.

©Steve Williams 2021

America. Land of the ______ , home of the _____.

As a kid growing up in suburban Sydney, I thought of America as a magical, mythical place.

One of my first memories was watching America put a man on the moon and as we all did, I grew up with the influence of American movies and TV shows… they were automatically cooler.

After watching the first Presidential Debate of 2020, the America of today is anything but magical and cool. The debate simply clarified what we’ve seen unravelling over the last four years. You can only have sympathy for Americans who have had to endure the Trump presidency and will live with the resulting stains and stench of it for many years.

I disagree with the observers calling the debate a shit show / train wreck / dumpster fire… it was always going to be like that. What did they expect? A courteous and engaging President clearly and unemotionally laying out his well-thought-out roadmap for the next four years, while calmly dissecting Biden? Trump was always going to be Trump… he doesn’t know any other way.

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Biden was obviously more (Vice) Presidential, smiling incredulously, rolling his eyes, refuting Trump’s usual outlandish and incendiary barbs… when he got the chance. I suggest the moderators of the next debates are armed with a mute button and a taser.

Some political pundits are suggesting that Biden should refuse to front up for the next two debates. That would be a bad move… only appealing to Trump’s (de)base of rabid MAGA hat wearing autobots. Biden, by simply showing up and doing more of the same as he did in the first debate, will come across as a calm, statesman-like antidote, someone to hopefully lead America out of the Trump clusterfuck wilderness.

By all reports Trump is behind in the polls, he’s the one who needs a new approach, a different game plan if he is to inhabit the White House for another four years. Watch this space.

I’m looking forward to the inauguration of President Biden, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Trump wins again in November. That would be very 2020.

©Steve Williams 2020

Kanye for President? Vote 1 the brain-eating amoeba

So I woke up to the news that Kanye West is running for President. Again.

President Ye dressed as the Statue of Liberty at his inauguration

In these COVID-19 infused times, when reality is satire and satire is reality, I don’t know if this is actually happening. It could be, or not. It is more likely to be a severe case of ,”Nobody has uttered my name in five seconds”, but I’ll stand corrected when President Ye quotes his lyrics at his inauguration address.

A monster about to come alive again / Soon as I pull up and park the Benz / We get this bitch shaking like Parkinson’s.”

Make America convulse again. I can see the caps now.

I also woke up to the news a case of a rare, brain-destroying amoeba has been confirmed in Florida. I’m sure there’s a link to the above. Sadly, I didn’t have a rare, brain-destroying amoeba, or a global pandemic on my 2020 bingo card. I did have murder hornets, flesh-eating bacteria, the President advising we all should inject bleach and Nick Kyrgios being the voice of COVID-19 reason.

What would a West / Ye / Yeezus / Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West / Yeezy / I’m sure I’ve left out other stupid names / presidency look like? The mind boggles. Though it couldn’t be any more of a fucking shitshow than the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC.

It would be a first to have the First Lady most famous for starring in a sex tape, unless there’s something Martha Washington hasn’t told us. Speaking of NW, it would also be a first to have the First Children (I assume that’s a thing), named after compass directions and a bit of the bible.

I’ll conclude with another quote from President Ye’s inauguration address, which makes as much sense as anything his orange predecessor said.

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They say ‘build your own,’ I said, ‘How Sway?’ / I said ‘slavery a choice,’ they say, ‘How, Ye? / Just imagine if they caught me on a wild day.”

SAXOPHONE / BLACK PANTHER / MARK OF THE BEAST UPDATE

Wannabe President Nutjob Ye gave some hilariously rambling interviews yesterday that produced such gems as…

“One of the main reasons I wore the red hat as a protest to the segregation of votes in the Black community. Also, other than the fact that I like Trump hotels and the saxophones in the lobby.”

“I’m gonna use the framework of Wakanda (yes, the fictional country in Black Panther) right now because it’s the best explanation of what our design group is going to feel like in the White House.”

The piece of resistance: “It’s so many of our children that are being vaccinated and paralyzed… So when they say the way we’re going to fix Covid is with a vaccine, I’m extremely cautious. That’s the mark of the beast. They want to put chips inside of us, they want to do all kinds of things, to make it where we can’t cross the gates of heaven.” I think he means salt and vinegar chips.

There was more, so much more, but I just can’t. The brain-eating amoeba is looking really good.

©Steve Williams 2020

Coronavirus – just beat it (hee, hee)

So maybe Michael Jackson was right after all.

The mask… I’m talking about the mask.

Wacko Jacko hasn’t been moonwalking through these unprecedented times (DRINK!!) but he was rather partial to a mask. I’m not sure if it was to shield him from potential airborne viruses or pesky paparazzi. More likely, it was to stop his nose falling off.

Where I live, masks are compulsory in shops and on public transport and I am growing quite accustomed to wearing one. Though, unlike the angel-like healthcare workers, I don’t have to wait until the end of a harrowing 97 hour shift, I can take the mask off after buying a carton of milk or catching a train.

Masks do pose some etiquette questions, including greeting friends and acquaintances etc. I assume one of those etiquette whisperers who pop up on talkback radio when someone touches the Queen has a website devoted to this.

I’ve had a few haircuts since the start of the unpleasantness, and it is a novel (spot the coronavirus reference) experience removing the strap while holding one side of the mask in place as the lovely Tim wields his magic. I don’t mind a chat at the hairdresser, but via two masks, the conversation is as filtered as hopefully the bits of COVID-19.

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Non-verbal communication is challenging with the mask, you take the power of the smile for granted. I’m deliberately trying to smile more with my eyes, or to use that godawful word… “smize”.

It was interesting at a restaurant the other night watching people arrive wearing masks, then, like a weird masquerade party (thankfully not Eyes Wide Shut weird), they facially disrobed as they sat at their table – or for English readers, “were sat at their table.”

I’m amused by the cliched-redneck-Trump-lovin’-pickup-truck-drivin’-Confederate-flag-wavin’ types who are up in arms (literally) about having to wear a mask to protect others and themselves, but demand their rights to the 62th Amendment that they can carry a big fuckoff bazooka into a Wendy’s for their protection.

STFU and just wear a mask.

I’m not a virologist and can’t confirm the number of eyes the coronavirus has, but as Michael Jackson so eloquently sang, “There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes, girl.”

©Steve Williams 2020