Wandering around the stunning winter wonderland of Munich with my Nikon…
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Dear the bastard backpack wearing fraternity of the world.
I’m sure some of you are very nice people who enjoy tickling kittens under their chin, love unicorns, and liking everyone of your Facebook friend’s posts, but some of you are absolute bastards. Seriously.
When I refer to “bastard backpacks”, I’m not talking about the noble types who trudge around Kathmandu et al taking-an-undisclosed-period-of-time-off-to-travel-the-world type of backpacker, or kid-wrangling parents on a trip to the zoo lugging little Trevor’s favourite toys and his organic quinoa treats, or school kids struggling with their textbooks. That is, if kids still have textbooks. I remember having to wield the “Web of Life” biology textbook in my schoolbag – heavy as an absolute mofo.
But I digress, I’m taking aim at the commuting corporate warriors — I’m sure you know the type — the women, but mainly men (who most likely work in the financial industry) who infect trains, buses, ferries and planes with their massive cancerous growths on their backs, not giving a tinker’s cuss for you and me, as they take out innocent and unsuspecting citizens with every entitled swivel of their shoulders.
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A question for you bastard backpack expletives, so when you put your backpacks on, does your spatial awareness suddenly evaporate along with what was remaining of your fashion sense?
Don’t you realise that when you have your laptop and other geeky apparatus strapped to your back like a dork baby koala, you may, just may, be slightly inconveniencing the rest of the world? No? Didn’t think so.
A friend of mine was catching a bus the other day and had a bloke resting his backpack on his head. As one does. As my friend said, “Words were exchanged”.
A friendly suggestion – take the f*cking thing off before you get on the train / bus / ferries / plane. There. That wasn’t hard was it? It’s called “consideration”.
The next one of your kind who almost dislocates my shoulder as you bump your way down the aisle of a plane with your backpack because you’re too much of a tightarse to check in your luggage… (but that’s for another serve of randomswill).
All you were trying to do was share the edge-of-your-seat excitement, the spine-tingling adrenalin rush of that one day in October – the greatest sporting event ever held
in Australia, neigh, the universe: The Everest.
The Great Barrier Reef, the ultimate billboard for The Everest
They don’t understand the magnitude of what you are trying to achieve.
Those rabid, inner city, ABC-watching, latte-sipping punters. No, you can’t call them punters; they wouldn’t know the thrill of losing their rent money on what should have been a sure thing at Hawkesbury on a Thursday afternoon. Those unAustralian bastards, pathetically trying to upstage your brilliant Opera House event by waving their lights like 21st century flaming torches.
The Everest. Congratulations on the name, it is so inspiring, so Australia, so Sydney. It evokes… the 14 tons of human waste that has been carried down from base camp and other locations on Mount Everest this year.
Look, I know your promotion for the race that stops the… well, just stops, had a bit of a fall as it turned for home. I’ve saddled up some feisty advertising and PR campaigns over the years
and I can help.
There are behavioral therapies, exercises that can levitra properien improve the hair growth by preventing hair loss problems. The cost of medications of overnight levitra continue reading address in the market and is effective for 36 hours after oral administration. This type of therapy has helped many cheapest price for tadalafil patients in eliminating body fat. With proper consultation, you are likely to get what you request and pay ordering generic viagra less for every last bit of it than you would at a retail chain and the immense part is that delivery costs you not exactly the gas you would purchase to get you to the store. I’ve had a word with Glad, ScoMo and The Parrot. I know that sounds like a shitty FM breakfast show, but the Premier of NSW, the PM and the man they answer to are on board.
We dig the heels in and get the whip out with the genius idea of projections.
It worked so well at the Opera House, we have a red hot go at other iconic Aussie billboards, starting with Ayers Rock. Forget that PC “Uluru” bullshit, it’s Ayers Rock. You can’t tell me that massive sandstone monolith wouldn’t make a great projector screen to beam the race live.
When I think of The Everest, I think big (also a nod to the champion thoroughbred that saluted the judge in the ’74 and ’75 Melbourne Cups). We screen the race on the big things conveniently scattered around Australia in key lose-your-shirt-on-the-punt demographics:
The Big Banana, The Big Merino, The Big Lobster, The Big Pineapple, The Big Boxing Crocodile and of course The Big Ned Kelly. They’re all champing at the bit for The Everest.
Speaking of big, our piece of resistance is a projector screen that covers 344,400 square kilometres – The Great Barrier Reef.
Those greenie-pinko protesters will tell you that it’s dying due to climate change,
which is crap, but we need to have it totally white to use as a screen. So I’ve contacted every race club secretary in Australia and a few hours before the race we’re going to have a convoy of 70,000 utes park on the Reef, revving their engines and the exhaust fumes will finish it off, just in time for the gates to spring open. I reckon next year, we actually run the race on the Reef.
In the time-honoured, venerable one-year history of The Everest,
I assure you, this will be the greatest ever. Giddy up.
Australia. Where women glow and men plunder or chunder, depending on the verse.
To butcher the Monty Python line, “What has Australia ever done for us?”
Glad you asked. Here are just a handful of some fair dinkum great Australian inventions.
A great Australian invention
In no particular order:
• Kylie Minogue – From spanner-wielding soap opera mechanic to global chanteuse.
• Google Maps – Okay, there were also a couple of Danish blokes in the team, but we’re claiming it.
• Spray-on skin – developed by Professor Fiona Wood in 1999 to treat second-degree burns. Incredible.
• The stump-jump plough. I’m not actually sure what this is, but as officially decreed in the Australian Constitution, it must be included in every list of Australian inventions.
• Ultrasound – so you can see baby Trevor before you meet him.
• Cathy Freeman – rather quick.
• Powered flight – In 1894, Lawrence Hargraves whacked a couple of box kites together
and strapped on a compressed air engine. He wasn’t to know about dickhead seat-recliners.
• AC/DC – I still can’t get used to that new lead singer.
• The fridge – In 1855, James Harrison was granted a patent for an ether vapour-compression refrigeration system to keep his cans of Foster’s Lager* cold. (*nobody in Australia drinks Foster’s)
• Nicole Kidman – I know she was born in Hawaii, but we’re claiming her.
• The electronic pacemaker – Mark Lidwill and Edgar Booth burst out of the shed brandishing Yet, where there is competition between different ED brands, there are bound to be myths doing rounds. viagra sales onlinelevitra line pharmacy New-age buying online places are offering to you many headings below the following category. By reducing acid production in stomach this not only helps to keep the penile tadalafil online 40mg skin looking supple and smooth, but it also prevents cellular damage from free radicals. Once the catheter reaches the place, viagra discount prices the dye will be injected to the catheter. the world’s first artificial pacemaker in the 1920s. Heart emoji to them.
• Home and Away – introduced “flamin’” to the universe.
• Don Bradman – rather handy with a cricket bat.
• The power board – say g’day the next time you plug something in.
• Feature film – The Story of the Kelly Gang was released in 1906, and it’s all been downhill
to Fifty Shades Darker.
• The Splayd – you know, that spoon / fork / knife cutlery thing. Some heathens call it a “spork”.
• Albert Namatjira – To see the real Australia, immerse yourself in his paintings.
• Black box flight recorder – I hope you will never be featured in one.
• Barry Humphries – Thrust gladiolas on an unsuspecting world stage.
• Cask wine – aka goon, space bag or Chateau Cardboard.
• Wi-Fi – CSIRO researcher John O’Sullivan apparently stumbled across Wi-Fi in 1977 while hunting exploding black holes. As one does.
• Dual flush toilet – To differentiate your number ones from your number twos.
• Hugh Jackman – Talented bastard.
PS, There are a few Australian inventions we are not proud of – Rolf Harris and the Aussie Flu.
