Dear Nick Kyrgios, please don’t be a dick on Sunday

An open letter…

Congratulations Nick, on making your first grand slam singles final, an amazing achievement.

Kyrgios demonstrates one of his favourite shots

On Sunday afternoon, your name will be etched into the honour roll of Australians who have stepped onto the hallowed grass of Wimbledon’s Centre Court to contest the Singles Final.

Your talent has never been in doubt, but please don’t be a dick.

*Don’t scream at / gesticulate at / show disrespect to the umpire / linespeople / ball kids. You said in one of your many rants that you wouldn’t berate people when they are at work at a supermarket “scanning shit”. The umpire and linespeople are at work. So don’t berate them. It’s not difficult. As for ball kids, who screams at a ball kid? Wait, I can think of a few…

*Don’t throw / smash racquets… you’re not three years old.

*Don’t continually ramble incoherently when you’re sitting in your chair. No one cares. Be more like Rafa or Roger.

*Ignore the dickheads in the crowd… and there’ll be plenty… just focus on Novax on the other side of the net.

*Don’t constantly scream and gesticulate at your team…. it gets very annoying. They don’t need to give you a standing ovation every time you win a point and your father doesn’t need to whistle after every point like he’s calling a sheepdog. It’s Wimbledon, not a Boston Celtics game.

*Don’t attempt “gamesmanship” that will put off your opponent…. that is very dicklike.

*Don’t spit at spectators or anyone.

*Don’t throw a chair (or anything) onto the court like you did in Italy.

*Don’t be a dick about the towels.

*Don’t tank. No one ever wants to see that… leave that shit to Bernard Tomic the Tank Engine.

*Just calm the f*ck down, play your best tennis and most importantly, enjoy what will be an absolutely amazing experience that most of us can only dream about. 

Good luck.

Thanks, 

Australia

©Steve Williams 2022

Abbott: There is nothing like a Dame (or Sir)

So. Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is heading back to the future by dusting off the titles of knights and dames, which were last seen down the back of a lounge in Government House nearly thirty years ago.

Greg Chappell knights a streaker

Tugging his forelock while facing Buckingham Palace, Mr Abbott said the honour would be extended to Australians of “extraordinary and pre-eminent achievement and merit”.

There have been howls of protest from the left-wing-socialist-climate-change-is-real types,
but I for one, am all for it.

My dear Prime Minister, may I be so bold to offer a few suggestions? From the realm of entertainment, Dame Kylie Minogue is a given — for “services” to music and hot pants and Dame Dorothy The Dinosaur (one for the kiddies and / or Wiggles fans) for services to alliteration.

It does not matter whether the medicine can be taken if suffering with following disease: Heart disease, kidney disease, liver disease, case of heart attack , stroke , case of severe vision loss , stomach ulcer, Gastro-intestinal bleeding, leukemia, allergy, hypertension, distortion of the penis etc. generic viagra germany With erectile dysfunction becoming a common viagra 25 mg problem that affects approximately 1 in 5 men and even more so when considering access to orphan drugs. Thinks keep getting better for the Ohio State Buckeyes this week, after finding out on Monday that they had reclaimed the No. 1 pick in the NBA draft and had been named rookie of the year in his first season, soft viagra 1996-97. The cheap price of Kumara is another plus side to this system of filling prescriptions. commander levitra opacc.cv Sir George Lazenby is long overdue — Australia’s only James Bond (and fellow Goulburn boy) would take his rightful place among the other martini shaking and stirring knights Sirs Connery and Moore. What about Dame Lara Bingle for services to… um… there’s gotta be something…

Us Aussies love our sport (and not constructing sentences properly). Dame Evonne Goolagong Cawley is as easy a pick as a simple forehand volley, Sir Newk should get the nod purely for that moustache, and Sir Pat Rafter for services to “sorry mate”.

Cricket tosses up a few juicy full toss choices — Sir Warnie for services to texting and servicing super models, “arise, Sir Boof Lehman” (on bended knee in batting pads) definitely has a ring to it, and Sir Greg Chappell should be rewarded for circumcising streakers with a cricket bat.

Prime Minister, please take my advice rather than anointing the likes of Dame Gina Rinehart
and Sir Alan Jones. Though that would do wonders for the Australian Republic push…

©Steve Williams 2014