Tag: random swill

Going (Slightly) Gaga

Posted on by SW

So I became an honorary “Little Monster” for a few hours last night. Lady Gaga brought The Born This Way Ball to Singapore and without going into what is apparently called “paws up” mode (ask a hardcore Gaga fan, they’ll tell you), I have to say it was a brilliant show. This was one of the very early stops of the massive world tour before she heads to New Zealand, then Australia and the rest of the cosmos.

*This may not be an actual part of Gaga’s meat lounge

Love her or hate her, whether you think she’s some weird meat-dress wearing psycho Madonna wannabe who seems to constantly forget her bra, or the much revered “Mother Monster”, you have to admire her talent. Seriously.

Without getting into major spoiler territory, expect to see a unicorn, an elaborate medieval castle set that opens and closes revealing numerous scenes and characters kind of like Gothic Barbie on acid, a meat lounge, a Gaga / Max Headroom lovechild, a rather unique way of riding a motorbike, spectacular costumes (loved the manic bee-keeper outfit) with a mesmerising number of über-quick changes, exceptional choreography from Gaga and her sickeningly buff and talented troupe of dancers, an interesting flavour of sausages emerging from a meat grinder, a machine gun bra and… more. That is possibly selling the rather involved storyline a fraction short, but personally, I was there for the music, not so much the theatrics, but Gaga delivered that and then some.

Balance Problem and Mobility: Motion and balance issues can viagra in india online be caused by a number of factors. Penegra as a drug carries few common side effects of consuming buy cheap cialis http://mouthsofthesouth.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/06/MOTS-07.27.19-Stewart.pdf. In other words, the organ becomes normal to be erect as the blood does not stays trapped in the penis. overnight cialis soft Here is a simple explanation of both of drugs that help reduce cholesterol production is a group of drugs known as PDE-5 inhibitors who are considered used for treating erection issues in men. http://mouthsofthesouth.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/04/MOTS-05.12.18-Williams.pdf order generic viagra raises the regulation of nitric oxide to trigger a process known as vasodilation which leads to enhances blood supply into the penis thus resulting in erections. Expect to hear an extremely tight band, personable, actually rather heartfelt dialogue from Gaga (you might think I’ve been drinking the Kool-Aid, but I can’t really see an issue with her messages of love, tolerance, unity, support for gay rights, anti-bullying etc) plus the occasional f-word, and the random religious-esque reference.

Then there’s that voice… her power and range is quite incredible, all while riding a unicorn, a motorbike, scaling the battlements of her castle, performing outrageously intricate and I-desperately-need-to-lie-down inducing dance moves — all a total lip-synching free zone — in her chats between songs she is literally trying to catch her breath. Speaking of songs, all her hits are there — Born This Way, Poker Face, Paparazzi, Judas, Hair, You and I, Edge of Glory, Marry The Night, Bad Romance, Alejandro (I’ve probably left out a couple) and all faithful to the originals — no bullshit Gregorian chant meets John Williamson weird-arse reworking because “I’m an artiste” here.

If you get a chance, buy a ticket to the Ball. You don’t see or hear talent like this every day (or a unicorn or meat lounge).

©Steve Williams 2012

Is there a nicotine patch strong enough for this?

Posted on by SW

Ok. I am not a leading expert in world’s best practice on prisoner rehabilitation — my experience with the prison system is limited to the weekly goings-on of “Vinegar Tits” and “The Freak”, endless taunts of “Ya fat dyke bitch”, and inmates having various parts of their anatomy rendered wrinkle-free in the laundry steam presses in Prisoner.

So when I read that the good guardians of Lithgow jail, sorry, “Correctional Centre” are living up to their name by correcting the habits of their house guests by trialling a ban on smoking in cells and prison buildings, I wondered how the “Top Dog” Queen Bea, Franky, Doreen, Karen, Lynn, et al would have reacted. Um, not well. Especially that chain-smoking Lizzie.

The story in the Daily Tele reveals how the ban will allow smoking only in “designated outdoor areas”. That has to be taking the piss doesn’t it? “Sure Trevor, you can still smoke outside. Oh that’s right, you’re locked up for sixteen hours a day”.

I fired up in The Punch recently about banning smoking, but I was actually meaning to be able to sit outside at a restaurant enjoying a pleasant sea view, not somewhere where I will hopefully never set foot. They may as well ban smoking in a Catholic church confessional, or the 63rd moon of Jupiter. They have? Really?

So to be brutally honest, I kind of couldn’t care less. I understand how they are trying to protect prison staff and non-smoking prisoners from the delights of passive smoking, which is obviously a good thing, but you would think those prisoners may have one or two other things to worry about.
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This is going to spark furious debate. I’m sure the average Joe or Josephine on the street will be ecstatic about the ban — “leave ‘em to rot in there”, “they shouldn’t have any rights”, “why should my tax payer’s money go to them lot buying fags” etc, etc.

The other side of the pack is from prisoners’ rights activist Brett Collins, who not surprisingly calls the ban an “outrage and a provocation”. I agree with him that this could create a potentially dangerous situation for the prison guards, when the place is a “tinder-box” already. Can’t be the cushiest job in the world at the best of times.

Apparently next up is a ban on tattoos, lifting weights and the f word. Time to call in The Freak and Vinegar Tits.

Words ©Steve Williams 2012

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

The Poms are a weird mob

Posted on by SW

If they were handing out gold medals for the most bizarre Olympic mascots, the characters for the London 2012 games would wins hands down.

Sadly, this isn’t one of the mascots

That is, if they had hands. Wenlock and Mandeville (catchy names) were apparently “created from “the last two drops of British steel used for the London 2012 Olympic Stadium.” More like an alcohol and substance fuelled creativeworkshopthinktank.

To me they look like the result of a frenzied sexual encounter between a secondhand Logie (a fugly Australian TV award) and a Teletubbie. And the blue one looks like it has an incontinence problem.

I’m no mascot designer, a job where you’re on a hiding to nothing (apart from the pay cheque), but at least previous Olympic mascots had some connection, however random, to their country and didn’t need a website to explain just what the hell they’re supposed to be.

These explanations usually contain the words “magical” and / or “mystical”.

Wenlock and Mandeville arrived to howls of protest in the UK, so it’s probably a good thing they only have one eye.

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Then you’ve had some other mascots that were very left of stadium – Izzy the something from the 1996 Atlanta games, and the rather phallic looking Phevos and Athena from Athens in 2004. Design is obviously in the (one) eye of the beholder.

Then again, maybe my design sense is flawed from being slightly traumatised by a mascot years ago. Actually it was a rather famous, rotund animal character from a popular TV kids show. I was in far north Queensland in Australia and they happened to be shooting a scene for the show as I wandered past. They had a break and the character took his head off, and the bloke inside exclaimed “How f*****n’ hot is it?!” and lit up a cigarette. Well it was rather warm.

Wenlock and Mandeville are getting plenty of media coverage, which is probably the idea, but will they become as loved as Sydney’s very own Fatso the wombat?

Wonder what he’s up to? Maybe we could lend him to them…

Words and image ©Steve Williams 2012

*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au

Mobile phones in the air are virgin’ on plane ridiculous

Posted on by SW

Dear Sir Richard Branson, What have you done? Seriously, what the hell have you done?

Hopefully Sir Richard will install these on his aircraft

I admire your stunning business acumen, your ballooning skills, your outrageous PR stunts,
I’ve bought many Virgin records over the years – in fact I still have an original vinyl copy of Never Mind The Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols. Love your work.

However, what’s this about allowing mobile phone calls on Virgin Atlantic flights? Tell me you’re taking the piss.

Cramming hundreds of people into a flying metal tube for endless hours is fraught with social problems as it is – screaming brat children kicking the back of your seat, rabid seat recliners, dickheads cramming everything they own in the overhead storage cabin so there’s no room for your stuff, über-backpack wielding morons dislocating shoulders as they bump their way up the aisle, farting businessmen, the list is endless.

Now you want to add annoying expletives-making phone calls? I beseech thee, please reconsider.

“I’m on the plane… yeah, I’m on the plane! Hang on, I’ll look out the window, yeah, no… I think we’re flying over eastern Siberia. Is Aaahliya there? Hello sweetheart, it’s daddy. Yeah, I’m on the plane…”.

Or: “We need to have some face-time on the core competency, but if we buy-in and open the kimono and get some leverage, I think it will be scalable…”.

You can only imagine the riveting conversations you’ll have to endure. You will feel like ripping your ears off, and ramming them down their throat to muffle the noise.

Sir Richard, there is a reason the other airlines put the kybosh on this insanity. No one wants to sit next to someone using a mobile phone. Sure I don’t have to fly your airline, but if you go ahead with this madness, the others might reconsider, and then life will end as we know it.

Might I suggest if this does happen, your flight attendants hand out baseball bats and parachutes.

Words ©Steve Williams 2012

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*This piece was published in the sadly now defunct The Punch by news.com.au