You could always tell them to get *****d…
Not the ideal course of action obviously, but for a radio station creative writer it is very tempting.
You will recognise these godawful radio commercial clichés from having them cruelly seared into your auditory canals as a listener, or being forced to insert them into a commercial by a sales manager or client with the imagination of a prawn.
In absolutely no particular order, with bonus appropriate responses…
“All your (whatever) needs” — I don’t have any needs… that you can help with anyway.
“Thinking (insert product here)?” — No, no I’m not. So do I have to listen to the rest of this?
“One stop shop” — The cliché to end all clichés (cliché alert). I’d rather sauté my scrotum
than use that in an ad. Unless you’re mercilessly taking the p*** out of it (the ad, not my scrotum).
“Located at… (address)” — Oh, so that’s YOUR address? I would never have guessed.
“All roads lead to…” — No, actually they don’t.
“They have all the best (whatevers) under the one roof” — as opposed to seven?
“Tonight at 8.30pm.” — Thanks for clarifying that.
Client voiced ads — No. Their ego needs stroking? Get them some lotion.
Ads obviously voiced by station “talent” that say “we” — Unless the drive announcer
is moonlighting as a car dealer, no.
“Family owned, Australian business…” — So if it’s run by a single Swedish person
you shouldn’t shop / eat / drink / whatever there? Xenophobia much? Hopefully a very high-rating, high profile Australian metro station has a drinking game using this one. It’s very popular.
“Hello Beryl, that’s a nice (Wankel rotary engine), where did you get it?”
— Pathetic conversational ads, sometimes nauseatingly described as “slice of life” are the work of Satan. Nobody EVER speaks like that. If you have a gun to your head, maybe try and gently take the proverbial out of it. Or ask them to pull the trigger.
“Wankel Rotary Engines R Us” – Difficult, the client has chosen a business name that sucks…
see above option.
“Call us on (phone number).” — as opposed to? Unless the phone number is the only way to buy the product or makes up 90% of the jingle, lose it.
“See us at (address).” — Lose the horrific first few words.
“Check out our website, www.(whatever).com” — Ditto and lose the “www”, it’s not 1993.
“Are you in the market for…?” — Nope. Now what?
“Open seven days a week…” — Oh, so you mean every day?
“Don’t forget to like us on Facebook.” — No. You’re my proctologist.
There are no doubt many, many others, but I‘m feeling nauseous having endured this lot… “Thinking nausea….?”
©Steve Williams 2014
*The uncut version originally appeared here:
www.radioinfo.com.au/news/your-one-stop-shop-all-your-radio-commercial-clich%C3%A9-needs (for all your radio info needs)