I see there’s a new reality TV show in Australia called Blow Up. I’m not making this up.
Interesting name, though wannabe suicide bombers will be bitterly disappointed when they realise that the blowing up bit only refers to balloons, not themselves.
According to the breathless (sorry) release from the network, “In a celebration of skill, precision, creativity and joy, Blow Up transforms the humble balloon into jaw-dropping and awe-inspiring artistic creations.” So it’s people MacGyvering stuff out of balloons.
The Blow Up concept is originally from the Netherlands, which is the spiritual home of bizarre reality show concepts. This is the country responsible for Deal or No Deal, Big Brother, Celebrity Saviour, The Voice, Incontinence Island, Fear Factor, Dating in the Dark and more.
Balloon MacGyvering is a serious business. The judge of the Australian version has the letters “CBA” after his name, which is “Certified Balloon Artist”. Not sure who he is certified by, but I’m an ordained reverend after five minutes on the internet, so who am I to judge?
My biggest concern about this TV show, apart from the everything, is the sound of balloons being man/woman/person-handled. That squeaking-scrunching audio abomination has to be one of the worst sounds ever, even if the balloon brandisher does create a cute animal an easily impressed four-year-old loses their shit over.
In keeping with this extremely niche reality TV show theme of annoying AF sounds, I’m currently pitching the following shows. If viewers love (or hate) the look and sound of people squeaking balloons (not a euphemism), they’ll be all over these concepts:
*Slurp Showdown: Contestants compete to see who can slurp their tea / coffee / soup / liquid of choice the loudest and most obnoxiously. The cast will predominantly consist of deaf (sorry, hearing-impaired) senior citizens. Teeth optional.
*Leaf Blower Love Connection: Singles (desperate for romance and more importantly the chance to become a social media influenza and join an FM radio breakfast crew for half an hour until the ratings tank) are paired up. They are sent on dates where they must recreate the lyrics to one-hit wonder love songs with leaves and then perform the number with said leaf blower.
*Polystyrene Panic: The talent is placed in a room filled with polystyrene pieces and must endure the sound of them rubbing together (the polystyrene, not the talent) for as long as possible. The last person standing wins a cash prize and all the polystyrene they can eat.
*Sniffing Superstars: Contestants show off their talent for sniffing loudly and obnoxiously, with judges critiquing and rating each performance. Additional points for the farming of bush oysters. Simon Cowell is interested.
*Pen-Clicking Island: Marooned on a deserted island with only a never-ending supply of old-school click pens for entertainment, the last person to go insane from the sound wins a shitty prize.
*Krunch Kamikazes: The kontestants are confined to a cinema screening endless silent movies and are challenged to rustle and crunch as many packets of chips as they can. The last person not to be killed by movie-goers wins a shitty prize. Deaf senior citizens need not apply.
But here’s the pièce of résistance…
A truly evil reality show that combines some of the above annoying AF sounds with a shock twist… it’s set in an open plan office, AKA a bullshit “collaborative workspace”.
For your consideration: Open-Plan Armageddon: A group of co-workers are locked in a hellscape open-plan office filled with clicking pens, slurping, sniffing and noisy chip-crunching, constant interruptions of colleagues wanting to “touch base”, irritating keyboard clicking, loud phone calls, eternal PowerPoints and oh, so much more. Definitely no WFH here. We can even throw in the odd D-grade celebrity intruder brandishing a leaf blower, polystyrene and balloons. The last person to lose their fucking mind wins a prize.
“Hello, is that the gazillion-dollar Dutch reality TV show company?”
©Steve Williams 2023