Tag: politics

Homelessness: a positive spin

Posted on by SW

Meanwhile in Australian politics, the Hon Luke Howarth, Assistant Minister for Community Housing, Homelessness and Community Services was not so honourably attacked this week.

In a radio interview, Howarth appeared to downplay the homelessness crisis in Australia and even suggested the issue needed a “positive spin.” Of course it does. As I am always happy to assist a minister of the Crown, I have come up with a few positive spin talking points for your next media appearance.

A Marie Kondo poster child

Homelessness highlights:

*Back to nature. Ah, the great outdoors… be at one with nature. Communing intimately with Australia’s unique flora and fauna, you have a special relationship that David Attenborough could only dream about. Not to mention getting up close and personal to the Milky Way every night.

*The ultimate open plan office. No distractions from Trevor in the chair at your elbow banging on how epic his weekend was. No having to contribute to the leaving gift of Brian from accounts. No endless, useless meetings, no bullshit talk of synergy and digital transformation. 

*Lovers of architecture rejoice! You can admire the intricate cantilever design of a bridge while sleeping under it. 

*No more noisy, inconsiderate neighbours with wanky expensive electronic appliances. You don’t have to endure those annoying bastards in the upstairs apartment cranking the subwoofer up to 11. 

*Minimalist living. You are the Marie Kondo poster child, the envy of hoarders living among mountains of stuff. You have evaluated your one possession and decided, yes, it brings joy.

*Mortgage and rent-free. What an incredible weight off your shoulders. You never have to navigate a bank’s stupidly complicated customer service hotline ever again. Press 27 for ultimate financial freedom.

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*Your senses, reflexes, intuition and spacial awareness are highly tuned. You could easily join the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

*Your days of being a slave to fashion are over. Create your signature look and own it, with zero f*cks given.

*Soup. By dining at all those soup kitchens, you have become a Master Chef style soup gourmand. Garçon! More de boeuf consommé s’il vous plait!

There you are minister, these suggestions are just as outrageous as your choice of words.

You may believe that homelessness “affects a very, very small percentage of the population,” but to those people it is a very real, devastating existence, there is no “positive spin.”

Nobody should be homeless.

©Steve Williams 2019

Election 2019: Crutching at Straws

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“There has never been a more exciting time to be an Australian.” Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull uttered that immortal line what seems like several thousand kissed babies ago. Exciting? No, the Australian federal election on Saturday can’t be euthanised fast enough.

Loins girded until Saturday evening

What a time. What a campaign. So many highlights to choose from. Here are just a few.

*We’ve had two eggings (one broke, one didn’t), which politically, isn’t a new thing. Prime Minister Billy Hughes was egged in 1917. These 2019 incidents cracked the hashtags #EggBoy and #EggGirl, who disappointingly weren’t revealed as the latest Avengers recruits in Endgame. 

*Speaking of which, a “truth avenger” called Captain GetUp appeared in numerous marginal seats. Captain GetUp was dressed in a mock-superhero outfit, emblazoned with the names of the political parties he was protesting against. In this campaign that makes infinite sense. Captain GetUp was created by Advance Australia – a conservative group taking their name from the Australian national anthem that no one knows. He was last seen dry humping a poster of independent candidate Zali Steggall.

*Campaign buses for both major parties have been traipsing across the country. More often than not, they were sans the person whose photo is plastered on the side of the bus. Kind of a Mary-Celeste-drifting-aimlessly-vibe.

*Incumbent Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been rolling out his fair dinkum, bonza, you beaut, daggy dad routine. He’s been wearing caps, skolling beers, hammering nails, playing football, soccer, cricket and Ultimate Fighting Championship – ok, I made that last one up, but if there was a vote in it, he’d be climbing into the octagon. 

*Morrison also engaged in some sheep shearing for the cameras. As one does. Thankfully this stopped before the crutching and dagging. Those two ovine procedures are an apt description for the election campaign.

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*On a slightly serious note, does anyone actually buy this BS “everyman / woman” routine from politicians? “Sharon, I’ve voted Labor all my life, but I just saw the PM shearing a sheep, and he’s got my vote.”

*“Infamous” (that’s one expletive-free adjective) senator Pauline Hanson crocodile-tearing up on prime time TV after the implosion of the latest nutjob One Nation candidate, was absolutely hilarious. Hanson is my least favourite Barry Humphries character.

*A ridiculous number of candidates across various parties have resigned / been disendorsed / sacked / dumped in the recycling bin. Their transgressions have included groping strippers, making anti-homophobic, misogynistic and anti-Islamic comments, describing an opposing candidate as “a good bloke,” linking same-sex marriage and paedophilia, to “jokes” about having sex with a ghost. Yes, really. You can’t make this shit up.

*This week we had a work experience Lady Godiva in Melbourne, topless, with a hair bra, being led on a horse, to protest climate change. A noble quest. Knowing Melbourne’s weather, she would have been hoping for a change.

*The outpouring of emotion following the death of much-loved former Prime Minister Bob Hawke two days before the election has taken media fuel from the campaign. Hawke always had impeccable timing.

Who will shine through this clusterfuck of a campaign and emerge as Prime Minister? Unlike Melbourne’s Lady Godiva, all will be revealed on Saturday night. 

©Steve Williams 2019

Shining a light on The Everest

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Dear Racing NSW,

I feel your pain.

All you were trying to do was share the edge-of-your-seat excitement, the spine-tingling adrenalin rush of that one day in October – the greatest sporting event ever held
in Australia, neigh, the universe: The Everest.

The Great Barrier Reef, the ultimate billboard for The Everest

They don’t understand the magnitude of what you are trying to achieve.

Those rabid, inner city, ABC-watching, latte-sipping punters. No, you can’t call them punters; they wouldn’t know the thrill of losing their rent money on what should have been a sure thing at Hawkesbury on a Thursday afternoon. Those unAustralian bastards, pathetically trying to upstage your brilliant Opera House event by waving their lights like 21st century flaming torches.

The Everest. Congratulations on the name, it is so inspiring, so Australia, so Sydney. It evokes… the 14 tons of human waste that has been carried down from base camp and other locations on Mount Everest this year.

Look, I know your promotion for the race that stops the… well, just stops, had a bit of a fall as it turned for home. I’ve saddled up some feisty advertising and PR campaigns over the years 
and I can help.

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We dig the heels in and get the whip out with the genius idea of projections.
It worked so well at the Opera House, we have a red hot go at other iconic Aussie billboards, starting with Ayers Rock. Forget that PC “Uluru” bullshit, it’s Ayers Rock. You can’t tell me that massive sandstone monolith wouldn’t make a great projector screen to beam the race live.

When I think of The Everest, I think big (also a nod to the champion thoroughbred that saluted the judge in the ’74 and ’75 Melbourne Cups). We screen the race on the big things conveniently scattered around Australia in key lose-your-shirt-on-the-punt demographics:
The Big Banana, The Big Merino, The Big Lobster, The Big Pineapple, The Big Boxing Crocodile and of course The Big Ned Kelly. They’re all champing at the bit for The Everest.

Speaking of big, our piece of resistance is a projector screen that covers 344,400 square kilometres – The Great Barrier Reef.

Those greenie-pinko protesters will tell you that it’s dying due to climate change,
which is crap, but we need to have it totally white to use as a screen. So I’ve contacted every race club secretary in Australia and a few hours before the race we’re going to have a convoy of 70,000 utes park on the Reef, revving their engines and the exhaust fumes will finish it off, just in time for the gates to spring open. I reckon next year, we actually run the race on the Reef.

In the time-honoured, venerable one-year history of The Everest,
I assure you, this will be the greatest ever. Giddy up.

©Steve Williams 2018

100 Words to Describe President Donald Trump

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To quote that eerily prophetic song by The Doors, strange days have found us.

Following President Trump’s alleged appalling manners on the phone in a recent one-sided rant
cordial telephone conversation with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (that’s T.U.R.N.B.U.L.L. Sean Spicer), I decided to embark on some research.

President Trump lets his finger do the talking

From my trawling through the gazillabytes of stories, memes and general WTF-ness about the tangerine clown currently wreaking havoc behind the Resolute Desk in the White House,
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islamophobic myopic dictator cunning idiot courageous fascist sexist misogynist hero ignorant bully showoff blunt incompetent outspoken grandiloquent meglomaniac dumb comical bigot satan rude successful selfish disgusting pussygrabber douchebag arrogant fool unfit brilliant wanker ballsy asshat tangerine pompous brave straight-talking clown nuts blowhard plutocrat demagogue chauvinistic repugnant wazzock leader dangerous confident aggressive saviour orange racist brash bombastic egotistical rich inept genius unrepentant trustworthy buffoon truthful xenophobic moron transphobic thug fopdoodle honest bankrupt embarrassing different refreshing boisterous moron opinionated unqualified exciting dishonest loser despicable insane tough intelligent bullish competent appalling genius jerk narcissist warmonger entertaining obnoxious scary dickhead corrupt f*ckwit sociopath

President.

©Steve Williams 2017