Dear Nick Kyrgios, please don’t be a dick on Sunday

An open letter…

Congratulations Nick, on making your first grand slam singles final, an amazing achievement.

Kyrgios demonstrates one of his favourite shots

On Sunday afternoon, your name will be etched into the honour roll of Australians who have stepped onto the hallowed grass of Wimbledon’s Centre Court to contest the Singles Final.

Your talent has never been in doubt, but please don’t be a dick.

*Don’t scream at / gesticulate at / show disrespect to the umpire / linespeople / ball kids. You said in one of your many rants that you wouldn’t berate people when they are at work at a supermarket “scanning shit”. The umpire and linespeople are at work. So don’t berate them. It’s not difficult. As for ball kids, who screams at a ball kid? Wait, I can think of a few…

*Don’t throw / smash racquets… you’re not three years old.

*Don’t continually ramble incoherently when you’re sitting in your chair. No one cares. Be more like Rafa or Roger.

*Ignore the dickheads in the crowd… and there’ll be plenty… just focus on Novax on the other side of the net.

*Don’t constantly scream and gesticulate at your team…. it gets very annoying. They don’t need to give you a standing ovation every time you win a point and your father doesn’t need to whistle after every point like he’s calling a sheepdog. It’s Wimbledon, not a Boston Celtics game.

*Don’t attempt “gamesmanship” that will put off your opponent…. that is very dicklike.

*Don’t spit at spectators or anyone.

*Don’t throw a chair (or anything) onto the court like you did in Italy.

*Don’t be a dick about the towels.

*Don’t tank. No one ever wants to see that… leave that shit to Bernard Tomic the Tank Engine.

*Just calm the f*ck down, play your best tennis and most importantly, enjoy what will be an absolutely amazing experience that most of us can only dream about. 

Good luck.

Thanks, 

Australia

©Steve Williams 2022

Kanye for President? Vote 1 the brain-eating amoeba

So I woke up to the news that Kanye West is running for President. Again.

President Ye dressed as the Statue of Liberty at his inauguration

In these COVID-19 infused times, when reality is satire and satire is reality, I don’t know if this is actually happening. It could be, or not. It is more likely to be a severe case of ,”Nobody has uttered my name in five seconds”, but I’ll stand corrected when President Ye quotes his lyrics at his inauguration address.

A monster about to come alive again / Soon as I pull up and park the Benz / We get this bitch shaking like Parkinson’s.”

Make America convulse again. I can see the caps now.

I also woke up to the news a case of a rare, brain-destroying amoeba has been confirmed in Florida. I’m sure there’s a link to the above. Sadly, I didn’t have a rare, brain-destroying amoeba, or a global pandemic on my 2020 bingo card. I did have murder hornets, flesh-eating bacteria, the President advising we all should inject bleach and Nick Kyrgios being the voice of COVID-19 reason.

What would a West / Ye / Yeezus / Christian Genius Billionaire Kanye West / Yeezy / I’m sure I’ve left out other stupid names / presidency look like? The mind boggles. Though it couldn’t be any more of a fucking shitshow than the current occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC.

It would be a first to have the First Lady most famous for starring in a sex tape, unless there’s something Martha Washington hasn’t told us. Speaking of NW, it would also be a first to have the First Children (I assume that’s a thing), named after compass directions and a bit of the bible.

I’ll conclude with another quote from President Ye’s inauguration address, which makes as much sense as anything his orange predecessor said.

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They say ‘build your own,’ I said, ‘How Sway?’ / I said ‘slavery a choice,’ they say, ‘How, Ye? / Just imagine if they caught me on a wild day.”

SAXOPHONE / BLACK PANTHER / MARK OF THE BEAST UPDATE

Wannabe President Nutjob Ye gave some hilariously rambling interviews yesterday that produced such gems as…

“One of the main reasons I wore the red hat as a protest to the segregation of votes in the Black community. Also, other than the fact that I like Trump hotels and the saxophones in the lobby.”

“I’m gonna use the framework of Wakanda (yes, the fictional country in Black Panther) right now because it’s the best explanation of what our design group is going to feel like in the White House.”

The piece of resistance: “It’s so many of our children that are being vaccinated and paralyzed… So when they say the way we’re going to fix Covid is with a vaccine, I’m extremely cautious. That’s the mark of the beast. They want to put chips inside of us, they want to do all kinds of things, to make it where we can’t cross the gates of heaven.” I think he means salt and vinegar chips.

There was more, so much more, but I just can’t. The brain-eating amoeba is looking really good.

©Steve Williams 2020