Tag: Home and Away

Freedom Day… frothy pokies… and segregation. WTAF?

Posted on by SW

As someone originally from Sydney, I followed yesterday’s so-called Freedom Day from a distance with some interest, hilarity and anger.

Blokes free to do blokey things

After 106 days in lockdown, it appeared Sydney-siders were desperate to queue up to get into a local club at the stroke of midnight to do their dough on the poker machines, cram into their local Kmart also at midnight to buy stuff they could’ve bought online at any stage in the past 106 days, drink copious amounts of beer and get a haircut… preferably simultaneously.

From the coverage I saw, it was men doing all of this. Weren’t the good womenfolk freed, or are they still back in 1953 doing the ironing Tony Abbott style?

There were joyous resurrection scenes of the new New South Wales Premier, fresh from a haircut (and possibly Kmart) rolling out the barrel at a pub, then drinking the contents while standing up, contravening his own government’s regulations… the standing up bit, not rolling out the barrel. The words “freedom frothie” were mentioned.  It was all very blokey, though there may have been someone with a uterus serving the beers, “I’ll have a schooner of cringe-worthy media stunts, thanks love.”

Premier Perrottet would have been better served doing his Freedom Day media bit from a hospital, thanking all the healthcare workers for their amazing and selfless work, but nah… a pub’s better for the telly and compulsory for Australian political leaders. 

Sadly and not surprisingly, yesterday didn’t mark freedom from fuckwits. 

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Anti-vaxxer nutjobs were out and about in force. Thankfully Freedom Day didn’t apply to them… the NSW government mandated that retail and hospitality could reopen, provided all staff and customers were fully vaccinated.

Some random dickhead at a café in Sydney’s inner west took exception to this and started abusing the barista how he was “walking implicitly into segregation”. LOL. If only he had walked implicitly into a fist.

“Segregation” must have been in the recent talking points faxed to anti-vaxxers, as Home and Away actor Sam Frost posted a tearful Instagram video in which she made the bizarre plea, “I hope that this segregation disappears and that people treat each other like human beings with kindness and compassion and empathy.” The world-renowned epidemiologist and soap star also listed reasons why people aren’t getting vaccinated, except her own.

Segregation? Seriously? Just FRO and get vaccinated. 

How’s the kindness, compassion and empathy?

©Steve Williams 2021

Australian soccer needs a drama queen

Posted on by SW

So Australia is out of the World Cup. Again.

We didn’t make it beyond the Group Stage, by forgetting the premise of the game – get the ball into the net – especially against that football superpower Peru.

Right now, the clipboard-wielding boffins at Football Federation Australia are locked in crisis-think tank-workshop-post mortems, ruminating where our campaign went wrong,
and hopefully looking down the back of the lounge for a striker.

Australia’s new soccer coach

As Australia embarks on the sandblasted “Road To Qatar”, I have the solution, and it has nothing to do with kicking said ball. It’s acting.

Stay with me. Some of the performances we have seen in the World Cup have been brilliant. Brazilian superstar Neymar took a pathetic award-winning dive and the piss, falling to the pitch mortally wounded, like he’d just had a Brazilian.

See, this is where Australia falls down. Or not. We need to get onboard this diving caper. It’s essential.

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I call for Cate Blanchett to be annointed as Socceroos coach.

This is inspired. Imagine what the Academy Award / Golden Globe / BAFTA / etc, etc-winner could do to make Australia competitive on soccer’s greatest stage. The subtle nuances of mock-agony… the unworldly talent of clutching your face, screaming like you have just been shot, when you only received a mere fairytap on your knee. Penalty. Thanks Cate.

There’s been talk of not enough “mongrel” in the Australian team… hire Alf Stewart from Home and Away as Assistant Coach. He’d flamin’ sort ’em out, quick smart. Geoffrey Rush could chime in with brilliant character acting expertise, very handy when convincing the ref you have been critically injured by a non-existent elbow. Penalty.

Don’t you see? We would beat those dive-and-piss-taking-thespians from Europe and South America at their own game.

This is the future of Australian soccer. Let’s create our own Theatre of Dreams.
“Hello, Cate…”

©Steve Williams 2018

Fair dinkum great Australian Inventions

Posted on by SW

Australia. Where women glow and men plunder or chunder, depending on the verse.

To butcher the Monty Python line, “What has Australia ever done for us?”
Glad you asked. Here are just a handful of some fair dinkum great Australian inventions.


A great Australian invention

In no particular order:

• Kylie Minogue – From spanner-wielding soap opera mechanic to global chanteuse.

• Google Maps – Okay, there were also a couple of Danish blokes in the team, but we’re claiming it.

• Spray-on skin – developed by Professor Fiona Wood in 1999 to treat second-degree burns. Incredible.

• The stump-jump plough. I’m not actually sure what this is, but as officially decreed in the Australian Constitution, it must be included in every list of Australian inventions.

• Ultrasound – so you can see baby Trevor before you meet him.

• Cathy Freeman – rather quick.

• Powered flight – In 1894, Lawrence Hargraves whacked a couple of box kites together
and strapped on a compressed air engine. He wasn’t to know about dickhead seat-recliners.

• AC/DC – I still can’t get used to that new lead singer.

• The fridge – In 1855, James Harrison was granted a patent for an ether vapour-compression refrigeration system to keep his cans of Foster’s Lager* cold. (*nobody in Australia drinks Foster’s)

• Nicole Kidman – I know she was born in Hawaii, but we’re claiming her.

• The electronic pacemaker – Mark Lidwill and Edgar Booth burst out of the shed brandishing
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• Home and Away – introduced “flamin’” to the universe.

• Don Bradman – rather handy with a cricket bat.

• The power board – say g’day the next time you plug something in.

• Feature film – The Story of the Kelly Gang was released in 1906, and it’s all been downhill
to Fifty Shades Darker.

• The Splayd – you know, that spoon / fork / knife cutlery thing. Some heathens call it a “spork”.

• Albert Namatjira – To see the real Australia, immerse yourself in his paintings.

• Black box flight recorder – I hope you will never be featured in one.

• Barry Humphries – Thrust gladiolas on an unsuspecting world stage.

• Cask wine – aka goon, space bag or Chateau Cardboard.

• Wi-Fi – CSIRO researcher John O’Sullivan apparently stumbled across Wi-Fi in 1977 while hunting exploding black holes. As one does.

• Dual flush toilet – To differentiate your number ones from your number twos.

• Hugh Jackman – Talented bastard.

PS, There are a few Australian inventions we are not proud of – Rolf Harris and the Aussie Flu.

©Steve Williams 2018