Tag: England

One day and T20 cricket is dead… long live T.01™

Posted on by SW

Cricket’s old enemies Australia and England faced each other this week at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The home team destroyed England in a 222-run win, completing a clean sweep of the one day series, but nobody gave a flying proverbial. 

T0.1™ : Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashes a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli

Only 10,406 hardy souls showed up, a record-low crowd. The MCG can hold ten times that.

Sadly, Australia is cricketed out and it’s only November. The recent snoozefest of the T20 World Cup was evidence of that. Nobody gave a rat’s, apart from the die-hard supporters of India, Pakistan and England.

But fear not, I have the solution to cater for Australian cricket lovers’ gnat-sized attention span. 

One day and T20 cricket is dead. Introducing my unique concept: T0.1™. That’s correct, just one ball a side. 

Think about it… Steve Smith strides to the crease and smacks the first (and only) ball high into the grandstands. Change of innings… the hapless England batsman tentatively creeps out to the middle, needing a six to tie the game. No pressure. He manages only a pathetic two. AUSTRALIA WINS!!! THE CROWD ERUPTS!!! This is T0.1™.

T.01™ will reignite Australia’s passion for cricket. 

The T.01™ World Cup will only go for half an hour, giving you plenty of time to wash the car in the afternoon.

T.01™ will create domestic bliss… no more, “You’re not gunna spend all bloody day watching the bloody cricket are ya?” T.01™ will also be brilliant for climate change, as the games won’t last long enough to need to turn the lights on.

I’m currently pitching the revolutionary T.01™ cricket format to the ICC and yes, I need to tweak some of the finer details, but I believe they’ll be on board. Especially when I unveil my groundbreaking use of holograms, but with real cricket balls.

Picture this… Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashing a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli, Patty Cummins steaming in off the long run to W.G. Grace… we’ll recreate Bodyline with The Don bravely facing Harold Larwood, the famous Tied Test… the sky is the absolute f*cking limit.

You heard it here first. T.01™ is the future of cricket.

I already have the tagline: “T.01™ …blink and you’ll miss it.”

©Steve Williams 2022

Tim Paine bowled middle stump with dick pic

Posted on by SW

They say cricket is a funny old game, more like fucking hilarious.

Howzat for a dick pic?

Just three years after Australian cricket captain Steve Smith resigned in a flood of tears and sandpaper, last Friday Tim Paine tucked the bat under his arm and quit as captain over a dick pic. You couldn’t make this shit up. If only Tim had been wearing a protector.

Paine resigned over sexting a former colleague, a Cricket Tasmania employee… there were “lewd messages” and an unsolicited dick pic. As usual these sports “stars” think they can do anything and get away with it. When I first heard about this, l assumed it had just happened, but no, the piccing of said dick occurred in 2017 and by all accounts went straight through to the keeper.

Take it away Tim, “At the time” Paine said during his resignation press conference, “the exchange was the subject of a thorough Cricket Australia Integrity Unit investigation, throughout which I fully participated in and openly participated in. That investigation and a Cricket Tasmania HR investigation at the same time found that there had been no breach of the Cricket Australia Code of Conduct.”

So you take a photo of your middle stump, send it to a colleague and it’s fine?

“Integrity Unit” LOL. What the actual fuck do you have to do to breach the Code of Conduct? How about bringing the game into disrepute for a vague start?

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At the time, Paine had only been captain for two tests, married for only eighteen months and had recently welcomed a new baby. Nice.

Right on cue, Shane Warne came off the long run in defence of Paine, but with Warnie’s runs on the scandal board, he may not be the best person for a character reference.

Cricket Tasmania also padded up in support of Tim the Tool Man, slamming Cricket Australia for their treatment of Paine, likening it to that of Bill Lawry, who was dumped as captain of the Australian cricket team during the 1970-71 Ashes series. From memory and I could be wrong, but I don’t recall Bill attempting to bowl a maiden over with a dick pic.

Has anyone asked how Scott Morrison is? The Australian Prime Minister is a self-confessed cricket tragic (during cricket season and when there’s a beer and camera around him) and must be taking this very hard. As it were.

With an Ashes series about to commence, England’s Barmy Army will be absolutely Stoked with all of this, there are so many words that rhyme with “dick”, their songs will write themselves.

©Steve Williams 2021