Tag: Elon Musk

Musk ticks, three stripes and Ye’s out, RIP Her Maj and lions on the loose…

Posted on by SW

Since my last serving of steaming randomswill back in the year 1627, quite a bit has happened.

In no particular order…

Note the protestor glued to the side

Elon Musk bought Twitter and the world lost its mind. I enjoyed Stephen King negotiating with Musk on Twitter about the cost of a verified blue tick. He didn’t even need to send in Carrie or Cujo. Martina Navratilova served an ace straight down the middle with her reply to Musk that she didn’t ask for the blue tick, she won’t pay for it and her “peeps” know who she is.

Queen Elizabeth II died. (I’m not a fan of the softer “passed away” “or we lost…” Where? down the back of the lounge? Or worse, “crossed the rainbow bridge”. She died.) But I digress. I’m a staunch Australian republican and believe it’s high time the apron strings were severed and Australia finally had our own head of state. It’s ludicrous that in 2022 Australia’s head of state is a non-elected English person who just happened to have the brilliant luck (though not according to a certain Harry of California) of being born into the right family in a certain sibling order. Having said that, I admire the Queen’s amazing devotion to duty. Some of these snowflakes who want to WFH forever could take a leaf out of Her Majesty’s gilt-edged book.

To Kanye West or Ye or whatever he is calling himself today. Bravo to Adidas and the other companies who have dropped him quicker than he could make another appalling antisimetic remark. Three stripes and he’s out. I loved Stephen Colbert’s line about West’s Yeezy shoes looking like someone put a pair of Crocs in the microwave.

The UK is an absolute clusterfuck. Enough said.

Five lions had a Born Free moment after escaping from their enclosure at Sydney’s Taronga Zoo… into another enclosure. It seemed the media desperately wanted them to be prowling down nearby Military Road devouring Mozman-dahlings as they climbed into their Range Rovers with their half skim decaf soy macchiato made from Peruvian numbat milk. Didn’t happen. Somebody said on Twitter the lions saw the dire state of the Sydney property rental market and scarpered back to their enclosure, locking the gate behind them.

People are gluing themselves to things. Apparently this is to bring attention to climate change and the impact of fossil fuels. These are obviously very noble causes and ones that are vitally important to the future of the planet, but I’m not sure if gluing yourself to a road inconveniencing people trying to get to work, or more importantly urgently trying to get to a hospital, or gluing yourself to a priceless artwork is a great way to gain positive traction for your cause. I suggest these morons glue themselves to one of the aforementioned Elon Musk’s SpaceX rockets. That would deserve a tick.

©Steve Williams 2022

Bastard leaf blowers

Posted on by SW

Dear people of the worId.

We are facing many untold problems that impact every one of us — poverty at unprecedented levels, an orange dickhead in the White House, the Great Barrier Reef in critical condition… that’s why I would like to write about leaf blowers.

Seriously, whoever invented this satanic apparatus should be used for the barbaric testing of cosmetics instead of the current cute furry versions.

I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but as I understand it, the premise of the leaf blower is to remove leaves / crap from the front of your house / building to that of the neighbouring premises  — i.e. anywhere away from yours. What a brilliantly selfish concept.

The same principle should be applied to toilets. That would be fun.

I believe leaf blowers also have a “suck” capability. I have no issue with this, if it was ever used. Then there is the noise. Do they have to so be fucking loud? The other day I endured two of these things trying to out-duel each other in a battle that sounded like two A380 aircraft remaking the Deliverance soundtrack.

Surely we can do better — pretty much every day boffins burst out of the shed brandishing incredible scientific advancements, Elon Musk drove his car into space to do a few laps — surely a silent leaf blower can’t be that hard. There has to be a Nobel Peace Prize in it.
They’d get my vote.

©Steve Williams 2018

The Father of the Year demonstrates correct usage

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Space – The Final Frontier For Annoying Tourists

Posted on by SW

I noticed that Mr Tesla Elon Musk’s spacecraft company SpaceX is planning to launch two tourists on a private “mission” around the moon in 2018. Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic is also close-ish to launching tourist-laden flights. Exciting times.

In space no one can hear your pathetic life jacket whistle

Space tourism is an amazing concept, but think of the downsides. We’ll be potentially rocketing our planet’s rude tourists into outer space. Which could actually be a good thing, if it weren’t for those pesky return tickets.

At this stage, intrepid space tourists obviously won’t leave the spacecraft; they’ll be only peering out the window (this is when you WILL want a window seat). Eventually we’ll be doing day trips to other planets, solar systems, galaxies, even universes (universi?)

Here is my advice for would be space travellers:

*As you board the spacecraft, don’t hog the overhead locker. You’ll only be wearing the one spacesuit, you won’t need 437 suitcases.

*Don’t disturb the person next to you when continually floating to the bathroom, or joining your friends a few rows back for a space food stick.

*Please pay close attention to the inflight safety demonstration, especially the bit about the whistle and light on your life jacket. Actually don’t bother, in space no one can hear you whistle.

*While strapped into the spacecraft, please don’t let little Trevor kick the back of the seat in front of him. It’s a long flight.

*Trevor continually whining “Are we there yet?” is rather pointless, you’re in space, and the distances are quite long.

*If you book a trip to a resort on Mercury which is the closest planet to the sun, don’t forget your 2,000,000 Plus sunscreen, it’s a tad warm.

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*When you’re on Neptune, don’t take out someone’s eye with your humongous selfie stick while getting the perfect shot of Uranus.

*Don’t be the annoying person who continually whinges, “Everything is so much better / cheaper / cleaner etc back on Earth.”

*When you’re buying a souvenir on Venus, please don’t ask, “But how much is that in dollars?” Also, don’t haggle. The concept is foreign to anyone but irritating earthlings.

*Surprisingly, not everyone on Jupiter speaks English.

*American tourists, please don’t be obnoxious. You’re not on Earth anymore.
Please STFU, show some respect for a change. At least the space suit will cover up your fugly bumbags (“fanny packs” to you) and the compulsory sandal and socks combo for Germans.

*Speaking of German tourists, you won’t have to run out at 3am to reserve a sun lounge on Mercury. It takes just over 58 Earth days for the sun-worshippers of Mercury to experience a single day. Also, I wouldn’t do the nudist thing on Mercury.

*Chinese tourists, I know some of you like to defecate on public transport, shopping malls and just about anywhere. In space, that shit will just stay in your suit, sorry.

*Australian tourists, please don’t be a bogan. The good people of Saturn haven’t had a close encounter of the bogan kind. Don’t be the first.

©Steve Williams 2017

*This piece also appeared in The Huffington Post Australia: 14 Tips For Potential Space Travellers