Tag: Don Bradman

Taylor Swift

Look What You Made Me Do: How Taylor Swift is rigging Super Bowl and the US election 

Posted on by SW
Taylor Swift just before she released COVID-19 from the lab

It has been revealed that Taylor Swift is not only rigging the Super Bowl so the team of her boyfriend, Travis Kelce will win, but also the US election so Donald Trump won’t.

The rantings of rightwing nutjobs? No. Taylor Swift is an awful human being and the evil mastermind behind some of the world’s worst tragedies. She’s been getting away with it for centuries. Here’s irrefutable proof…

*Taylor Swift invented the atomic bomb, not Oppenheimer.

*Taylor Swift never replaces toilet rolls. 

*Taylor Swift always reclines her seat and takes up both armrests on every flight.

*It was Taylor Swift on the grassy knoll. 

*That person who always closes the lift doors in your face just as you are getting in… Taylor Swift. 

*Taylor Swift has sent every spam email and text message.

*Taylor Swift started the Great Fire of London with a cigarette lighter in 1666.

*Taylor Swift invented the smell of off milk. 

*Taylor Swift always hits “Reply all” to work emails.

*That time someone parked so close to you at the mall so you couldn’t open your door… Taylor Swift.

*Taylor Swift always chews with her mouth open.

*When your laptop crashed before you saved your important work? Taylor Swift did that.

*Taylor Swift never wipes down machines at the gym. 

*When you buy a packet of chips and it’s only half full… Taylor Swift does that at the chip factory.

*Taylor Swift was responsible for the Hindenburg disaster. 

*When you couldn’t get the last seat on the train because a bag was sitting there? It was Taylor Swift’s.

*Your Amazon order that went missing… Taylor Swift stole it. 

*Taylor Swift never does her chores around the home.

*Taylor Swift started the bubonic plague in the 14th century.

*Taylor Swift always kicks sand at people when she is at the beach.

*That boy who farts all the time in class at school… it’s actually Taylor Swift.

*Taylor Swift Invaded Poland to start World War II.

*Taylor Swift always leaves the toilet seat up.

*The mobile phone that went off in the movie yesterday… Taylor Swift. 

*It was actually Taylor Swift who bowled Don Bradman for a duck in his final Test.

*Taylor Swift was responsible for the Chernobyl disaster.

*That tissue in your load of washing that covered everything… Taylor Swift put it there.

*Taylor Swift is Jack the Ripper. 

*Taylor Swift invented the stupid packaging of batteries you can never open properly.

*Taylor Swift released COVID-19 from the lab.

*Taylor Swift doesn’t really like cats.

*Taylor Swift is the Loch Ness Monster. 

*Taylor Swift always reheats stinky fish in the office microwave.

©Steve Williams 2024

One day and T20 cricket is dead… long live T.01™

Posted on by SW

Cricket’s old enemies Australia and England faced each other this week at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The home team destroyed England in a 222-run win, completing a clean sweep of the one day series, but nobody gave a flying proverbial. 

T0.1™ : Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashes a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli

Only 10,406 hardy souls showed up, a record-low crowd. The MCG can hold ten times that.

Sadly, Australia is cricketed out and it’s only November. The recent snoozefest of the T20 World Cup was evidence of that. Nobody gave a rat’s, apart from the die-hard supporters of India, Pakistan and England.

But fear not, I have the solution to cater for Australian cricket lovers’ gnat-sized attention span. 

One day and T20 cricket is dead. Introducing my unique concept: T0.1™. That’s correct, just one ball a side. 

Think about it… Steve Smith strides to the crease and smacks the first (and only) ball high into the grandstands. Change of innings… the hapless England batsman tentatively creeps out to the middle, needing a six to tie the game. No pressure. He manages only a pathetic two. AUSTRALIA WINS!!! THE CROWD ERUPTS!!! This is T0.1™.

T.01™ will reignite Australia’s passion for cricket. 

The T.01™ World Cup will only go for half an hour, giving you plenty of time to wash the car in the afternoon.

T.01™ will create domestic bliss… no more, “You’re not gunna spend all bloody day watching the bloody cricket are ya?” T.01™ will also be brilliant for climate change, as the games won’t last long enough to need to turn the lights on.

I’m currently pitching the revolutionary T.01™ cricket format to the ICC and yes, I need to tweak some of the finer details, but I believe they’ll be on board. Especially when I unveil my groundbreaking use of holograms, but with real cricket balls.

Picture this… Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashing a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli, Patty Cummins steaming in off the long run to W.G. Grace… we’ll recreate Bodyline with The Don bravely facing Harold Larwood, the famous Tied Test… the sky is the absolute f*cking limit.

You heard it here first. T.01™ is the future of cricket.

I already have the tagline: “T.01™ …blink and you’ll miss it.”

©Steve Williams 2022

Fair dinkum great Australian Inventions

Posted on by SW

Australia. Where women glow and men plunder or chunder, depending on the verse.

To butcher the Monty Python line, “What has Australia ever done for us?”
Glad you asked. Here are just a handful of some fair dinkum great Australian inventions.


A great Australian invention

In no particular order:

• Kylie Minogue – From spanner-wielding soap opera mechanic to global chanteuse.

• Google Maps – Okay, there were also a couple of Danish blokes in the team, but we’re claiming it.

• Spray-on skin – developed by Professor Fiona Wood in 1999 to treat second-degree burns. Incredible.

• The stump-jump plough. I’m not actually sure what this is, but as officially decreed in the Australian Constitution, it must be included in every list of Australian inventions.

• Ultrasound – so you can see baby Trevor before you meet him.

• Cathy Freeman – rather quick.

• Powered flight – In 1894, Lawrence Hargraves whacked a couple of box kites together
and strapped on a compressed air engine. He wasn’t to know about dickhead seat-recliners.

• AC/DC – I still can’t get used to that new lead singer.

• The fridge – In 1855, James Harrison was granted a patent for an ether vapour-compression refrigeration system to keep his cans of Foster’s Lager* cold. (*nobody in Australia drinks Foster’s)

• Nicole Kidman – I know she was born in Hawaii, but we’re claiming her.

• The electronic pacemaker – Mark Lidwill and Edgar Booth burst out of the shed brandishing
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• Home and Away – introduced “flamin’” to the universe.

• Don Bradman – rather handy with a cricket bat.

• The power board – say g’day the next time you plug something in.

• Feature film – The Story of the Kelly Gang was released in 1906, and it’s all been downhill
to Fifty Shades Darker.

• The Splayd – you know, that spoon / fork / knife cutlery thing. Some heathens call it a “spork”.

• Albert Namatjira – To see the real Australia, immerse yourself in his paintings.

• Black box flight recorder – I hope you will never be featured in one.

• Barry Humphries – Thrust gladiolas on an unsuspecting world stage.

• Cask wine – aka goon, space bag or Chateau Cardboard.

• Wi-Fi – CSIRO researcher John O’Sullivan apparently stumbled across Wi-Fi in 1977 while hunting exploding black holes. As one does.

• Dual flush toilet – To differentiate your number ones from your number twos.

• Hugh Jackman – Talented bastard.

PS, There are a few Australian inventions we are not proud of – Rolf Harris and the Aussie Flu.

©Steve Williams 2018