Cricket Australia | random swill

They say cricket is a funny old game, more like fucking hilarious.

Just three years after Australian cricket captain Steve Smith resigned in a flood of tears and sandpaper, last Friday Tim Paine tucked the bat under his arm and quit as captain over a dick pic. You couldn’t make this shit up. If only Tim had been wearing a protector.

Paine resigned over sexting a former colleague, a Cricket Tasmania employee… there were “lewd messages” and an unsolicited dick pic. As usual these sports “stars” think they can do anything and get away with it. When I first heard about this, l assumed it had just happened, but no, the piccing of said dick occurred in 2017 and by all accounts went straight through to the keeper.

Take it away Tim, “At the time” Paine said during his resignation press conference, “the exchange was the subject of a thorough Cricket Australia Integrity Unit investigation, throughout which I fully participated in and openly participated in. That investigation and a Cricket Tasmania HR investigation at the same time found that there had been no breach of the Cricket Australia Code of Conduct.”

So you take a photo of your middle stump, send it to a colleague and it’s fine?

“Integrity Unit” LOL. What the actual fuck do you have to do to breach the Code of Conduct? How about bringing the game into disrepute for a vague start?

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At the time, Paine had only been captain for two tests, married for only eighteen months and had recently welcomed a new baby. Nice.

Right on cue, Shane Warne came off the long run in defence of Paine, but with Warnie’s runs on the scandal board, he may not be the best person for a character reference.

Cricket Tasmania also padded up in support of Tim the Tool Man, slamming Cricket Australia for their treatment of Paine, likening it to that of Bill Lawry, who was dumped as captain of the Australian cricket team during the 1970-71 Ashes series. From memory and I could be wrong, but I don’t recall Bill attempting to bowl a maiden over with a dick pic.

Has anyone asked how Scott Morrison is? The Australian Prime Minister is a self-confessed cricket tragic (during cricket season and when there’s a beer and camera around him) and must be taking this very hard. As it were.

With an Ashes series about to commence, England’s Barmy Army will be absolutely Stoked with all of this, there are so many words that rhyme with “dick”, their songs will write themselves.

©Steve Williams 2021

It has taken me a few overs to process the fact those great Australians at Cricket Australia are calling for beach cricket to be included as an official sport in the 2024 Olympics.

There have been howls of laughter and protest at this visionary proposal, but I humbly suggest
if golf, rugby, and that bit where leotard-clad gymnasts prance around lobbing a ball and twirling a ribbon on a stick are Olympic sports, then why the hell not?

The Sri Lankan Olympic team is the gold medal favourite

Before the first Olympic beach cricketers proudly stride out onto the sand, there will need to be a lot of meetings in the hallowed chesterfield-stuffed rooms of Lord’s to nut out the details, though a few of the rules of Olympic beach cricket have leaked under the door.

*Holding an alcoholic beverage while batting, bowling or fielding is compulsory.
(Imagine seeing Mitchell Johnson thundering in from the Carpark End nursing a stubbie-holder.)

*Olympic beach cricket must be played with a mangy tennis ball (one that has been half-chewed / slobbered on by a Labrador).

*The stumps will be fashioned from bits of driftwood or random stuff scrounged from the beach
or garbage bins (“garbos” to use the correct beach cricket vernacular).

*In case of bad light and for day / night matches, headlights from player’s cars can be used.

*Tip-and-run is compulsory (this is apparently also known by some ignorant cricket heathens
as “tippety-run”).

*The “You Can’t Get Out First Ball” rule will be in play at all times.

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*Sledging is compulsory (especially among family members).

*Bonus runs will be awarded for catching a ball in your hat. Even more for catching the ball in your boardshorts. Even more for catching the ball in your budgie smugglers / bikini.

*The “You’re Out If You Slog The Ball Into The Water” rule will be enforced. (I can foresee some pushback on this. Personally I’m not a fan, if you have a player positioned at deep backward point waist deep in ocean, it can lead to Classic Catches that would give Shane Warne apoplexy.

*There will be no umpires. Every decision on the field, even if bleedingly obvious must be met with cries of “That’s bullshit!”, with bonus runs for a tearful tantrum and knocking over the “stumps”.

*When a ball is hit for six, the youngest person on the field must retrieve it, proceeded by “goandgetthatwouldyamateandgimmeanotherbeerfromtheesky.”

*Once a batsman / batswoman? reaches fifty runs, they must start hitting catches (preferably to the dehydrated, sunburnt kiddie who previously retrieved the ball and the drinks).

*The act of “taking your bat and ball and going home” must be met with the response of “Aw, ya wanker!”

I look forward to Cricket Australia vigorously lobbying those IOC types for the inclusion of beach cricket into the Olympics, and eagerly await the bowling of the first dog-slobbered ball in 2024.

*This piece also appeared in The Huffington Post Australia:
Beach Cricket: Howzat For An Olympic Sport?

Tag: Cricket Australia

Tim Paine bowled middle stump with dick pic

Howzat?! Beach Cricket for the Olympics

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