One has to admit it has been quite an eventful few months in the endless battle of nature vs a gentleman’s downstairs department with the unveiling of a testicle-eating fish.
The horror began in July, when the alleged ball-biter was discovered in a lake in Illinois. Strange, because it is native to the Amazon — the fish, not the balls.
The frequent-flying, family jewels-fancier was identified as a Pacu, which according to one website is an acronym of Penis Amputating Castrations Underwater, and was allegedly invented by a militant group of lesbian atheists handy with genetics. This has not been proved conclusively.
Ancient folklore suggests that the privates-pinching Pacu killed two men in Papua New Guinea by gulping down their goolies.
Terror then ensued. The scrotum-stealing Pacu was spotted in Denmark, resulting in a professor at the Copenhagen Museum of Natural History warning against skinny dipping, revealing that the fish has extremely strong teeth which it uses to crush seeds and er, nuts.
Sightings of the knacker-knibbling fish were then reported in Sweden and Paris with alerts that the bollock-biter was headed for the UK. An official government broadcast advised men to keep their love-spuds under lock and key.
Frighteningly, it’s not only nautical nut-crackers men need to be nervous about. Fast forward to September and a baby enjoying a pleasant day at a zoo in China had his man-tonsils mistaken for Mongolian Beef by a marauding monkey.
Following these terrifying testicular attacks, it’s not surprising that a report this week suggested that the size of man’s marbles relates to what kind of a paternal figure he is. Bullshit. Frightened fathers are obviously concerned that their cojones are going to be consumed by nugget-gnawing fish and / or monkeys.
That wise sage Kenny Rogers was right, “you gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to walk away, and when to run.” I’m running.
©Steve Williams 2013