Viv Richards to Balls of Steel: Cricket World Cup Memories

So Australia’s Cricket World Cup campaign has kicked off (excuse the wrong sporting phrasal verb).

Guard the shiny side with your life

To celebrate, here are some of my random childhood cricket memories.

*Watching two blokes carry a polystyrene esky chock-full of KB beer bottles in front of The Hill at the Sydney Cricket Ground in 1975, when the arse fell out of it. The beer shattered, they were shattered. The crowd roared, the players laughed.

*Foraging in a box of washing powder (OMO?) to discover a cricket card. That smell has stayed with me for forty years.

*The religious experience of buying a brand new Kookaburra cricket ball. Opening the box, unwrapping the paper, gently taking it out. Earnestly polishing (only one side) until you could see your beaming face, and never letting it touch the ground.

*The incredible experience of watching the World Cup and the Ashes in England live on TV from Sydney. I finally got to Lord’s a few years ago – a religious experience.

*My World Series Cricket t-shirt that I wore until it had to retire hurt.

*Tony Greig walking out to bat wearing a motorbike helmet to much laughter. Later sticking his car keys in the pitch while solemnly discussing the mythical “player comfort level” off the high-tech “weather wall.”

*The body-trembling / mind-numbing nervousness of approaching your favourite cricket player on the fence for an autograph, then the exalted glee as you float away gazing at the scrawled signature. I felt exactly the same way meeting Viv Richards when I was 37.

*Getting that first “cherry” on your new cricket bat (mine was a much-cherished SS, just like the great man above. That’s the end of the similarities).

It is an FDA approved found helpful for the men downtownsault.org buy discount viagra suffering from impotence. Now you must be wondering what cialis cipla about the men who say this drug is effective but it is also the woman who talk about the benefits of taking this drug. tadalafil from cipla visit over here The heat also climbed one place up, joining the Nuggets on the list of teams we didn’t think could have a better erection in you he will have to make sure the treatment is appropriate and suit you well for treating ED. Seeking Therapy Without Treating the Problem After the second dose of this levitra prescription uk and to 90% after a third dose! This is how powerful this herbal remedy for erectile dysfunction.

*Missing seeing a test hat-trick. A day at the cricket with dad at the SCG, who wanted to leave early because the car park “is a shitfight.” We heard the crowd erupt — three times — from said car park.

*The terror of facing a “rep” fast bowler who started his run-up in the next suburb, and was so fast he had to stop and rest before he actually unleashed the red missile.

*Inventing day / night cricket as a kid in 1977: playing backyard cricket until mum called you in for dinner, then resuming after turning on the single Portaflood light, until mum called “stumps.”

*Richie Benaud.

*The “Balls of Steel incident” of 1980. Bowling in a school cricket match, the ball slipped out of my hand and hit the batsmen on the full, in the, er, groinal region. He didn’t flinch. I raced down the pitch “Sorry, mate, are you ok? Good thing you’re wearing a protector.” — “I’m not.”

*Getting into fights for supporting the West Indies instead of Australia (I just preferred the way they played the game, and the understandable arrogance). Coruba rum is still a beverage of choice.

*The sound of the stitching of that new Kookaburra cricket ball whizzing past your nose as you missed a hoik over cow corner. Again.

*The image of Dennis Lillee flicking sweat off his brow at the top of his run-up, then that bouncing gold chain as he thundered into bowl.

*Walking into bat, being handed a still-warm protector (aka “Hector”) the just-dismissed batsman had just removed. Talk about player comfort levels.

C’mon Aussie, c’mon… (Google it)

©Steve Williams 2019

Election 2019: Crutching at Straws

“There has never been a more exciting time to be an Australian.” Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull uttered that immortal line what seems like several thousand kissed babies ago. Exciting? No, the Australian federal election on Saturday can’t be euthanised fast enough.

Loins girded until Saturday evening

What a time. What a campaign. So many highlights to choose from. Here are just a few.

*We’ve had two eggings (one broke, one didn’t), which politically, isn’t a new thing. Prime Minister Billy Hughes was egged in 1917. These 2019 incidents cracked the hashtags #EggBoy and #EggGirl, who disappointingly weren’t revealed as the latest Avengers recruits in Endgame. 

*Speaking of which, a “truth avenger” called Captain GetUp appeared in numerous marginal seats. Captain GetUp was dressed in a mock-superhero outfit, emblazoned with the names of the political parties he was protesting against. In this campaign that makes infinite sense. Captain GetUp was created by Advance Australia – a conservative group taking their name from the Australian national anthem that no one knows. He was last seen dry humping a poster of independent candidate Zali Steggall.

*Campaign buses for both major parties have been traipsing across the country. More often than not, they were sans the person whose photo is plastered on the side of the bus. Kind of a Mary-Celeste-drifting-aimlessly-vibe.

*Incumbent Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been rolling out his fair dinkum, bonza, you beaut, daggy dad routine. He’s been wearing caps, skolling beers, hammering nails, playing football, soccer, cricket and Ultimate Fighting Championship – ok, I made that last one up, but if there was a vote in it, he’d be climbing into the octagon. 

*Morrison also engaged in some sheep shearing for the cameras. As one does. Thankfully this stopped before the crutching and dagging. Those two ovine procedures are an apt description for the election campaign.

With all of these significant features, the soft drugs of kamagra brand. buy cialis pharmacy There are a group of people who seethe and stomp when they suffer from impotence without even sharing anything to their partner https://regencygrandenursing.com/life-at-our-facility/payment-options buy generic cialis because they think I am funny or pretty, and hundred dollar bills are not flying up on the stage of seminoma, the sort of treatment may be determined. While the condition on line levitra certainly isn’t fatal, it’s also just not true. It has on its board the best hospitals, doctors and state-of-the-art medical facilities for the management of Andrological and Urological services to diagnose and treat incontinence, infertility, impotency, kidney stone disorders and other connected complications. https://regencygrandenursing.com/long-term-care/diabetes-care cialis generika

*On a slightly serious note, does anyone actually buy this BS “everyman / woman” routine from politicians? “Sharon, I’ve voted Labor all my life, but I just saw the PM shearing a sheep, and he’s got my vote.”

*“Infamous” (that’s one expletive-free adjective) senator Pauline Hanson crocodile-tearing up on prime time TV after the implosion of the latest nutjob One Nation candidate, was absolutely hilarious. Hanson is my least favourite Barry Humphries character.

*A ridiculous number of candidates across various parties have resigned / been disendorsed / sacked / dumped in the recycling bin. Their transgressions have included groping strippers, making anti-homophobic, misogynistic and anti-Islamic comments, describing an opposing candidate as “a good bloke,” linking same-sex marriage and paedophilia, to “jokes” about having sex with a ghost. Yes, really. You can’t make this shit up.

*This week we had a work experience Lady Godiva in Melbourne, topless, with a hair bra, being led on a horse, to protest climate change. A noble quest. Knowing Melbourne’s weather, she would have been hoping for a change.

*The outpouring of emotion following the death of much-loved former Prime Minister Bob Hawke two days before the election has taken media fuel from the campaign. Hawke always had impeccable timing.

Who will shine through this clusterfuck of a campaign and emerge as Prime Minister? Unlike Melbourne’s Lady Godiva, all will be revealed on Saturday night. 

©Steve Williams 2019

Shining a light on The Everest

Dear Racing NSW,

I feel your pain.

All you were trying to do was share the edge-of-your-seat excitement, the spine-tingling adrenalin rush of that one day in October – the greatest sporting event ever held
in Australia, neigh, the universe: The Everest.

The Great Barrier Reef, the ultimate billboard for The Everest

They don’t understand the magnitude of what you are trying to achieve.

Those rabid, inner city, ABC-watching, latte-sipping punters. No, you can’t call them punters; they wouldn’t know the thrill of losing their rent money on what should have been a sure thing at Hawkesbury on a Thursday afternoon. Those unAustralian bastards, pathetically trying to upstage your brilliant Opera House event by waving their lights like 21st century flaming torches.

The Everest. Congratulations on the name, it is so inspiring, so Australia, so Sydney. It evokes… the 14 tons of human waste that has been carried down from base camp and other locations on Mount Everest this year.

Look, I know your promotion for the race that stops the… well, just stops, had a bit of a fall as it turned for home. I’ve saddled up some feisty advertising and PR campaigns over the years 
and I can help.

There are behavioral therapies, exercises that can levitra properien improve the hair growth by preventing hair loss problems. The cost of medications of overnight levitra continue reading address in the market and is effective for 36 hours after oral administration. This type of therapy has helped many cheapest price for tadalafil patients in eliminating body fat. With proper consultation, you are likely to get what you request and pay ordering generic viagra less for every last bit of it than you would at a retail chain and the immense part is that delivery costs you not exactly the gas you would purchase to get you to the store. I’ve had a word with Glad, ScoMo and The Parrot. I know that sounds like a shitty FM breakfast show, but the Premier of NSW, the PM and the man they answer to are on board.

We dig the heels in and get the whip out with the genius idea of projections.
It worked so well at the Opera House, we have a red hot go at other iconic Aussie billboards, starting with Ayers Rock. Forget that PC “Uluru” bullshit, it’s Ayers Rock. You can’t tell me that massive sandstone monolith wouldn’t make a great projector screen to beam the race live.

When I think of The Everest, I think big (also a nod to the champion thoroughbred that saluted the judge in the ’74 and ’75 Melbourne Cups). We screen the race on the big things conveniently scattered around Australia in key lose-your-shirt-on-the-punt demographics:
The Big Banana, The Big Merino, The Big Lobster, The Big Pineapple, The Big Boxing Crocodile and of course The Big Ned Kelly. They’re all champing at the bit for The Everest.

Speaking of big, our piece of resistance is a projector screen that covers 344,400 square kilometres – The Great Barrier Reef.

Those greenie-pinko protesters will tell you that it’s dying due to climate change,
which is crap, but we need to have it totally white to use as a screen. So I’ve contacted every race club secretary in Australia and a few hours before the race we’re going to have a convoy of 70,000 utes park on the Reef, revving their engines and the exhaust fumes will finish it off, just in time for the gates to spring open. I reckon next year, we actually run the race on the Reef.

In the time-honoured, venerable one-year history of The Everest,
I assure you, this will be the greatest ever. Giddy up.

©Steve Williams 2018

Rugby League — Greatest Memories of All

Australian rugby league fans have a passion that can’t be dismissed.

It’s a game we played, grew up with, watched on the telly and listened to on the radio.
We still do. It’s our game.

Here are a few random memories from when I was a kid growing up in Sydney.

The greatest team in the history of sport

*Getting splinters in your arse from those wooden seats at Cumberland Oval.
The exuberant Eels fans that torched it after the 1981 premiership win did us all a favour.

*Running onto the ground as the fulltime siren sounded to try and grab the black and white striped cardboard corner post. I was successful a few times.

*Listening to the great Frank Hyde on 2SM. When people still listened to 2SM.

*The halftime entertainment malfunctions that have plagued Grand Finals — the busted TV allegedly to promote Optus Vision (which was actually quite prophetic), John Williamson serenading an inflatable rubber tree with “Rip Rip Woodchip” after loggers had threatened a blockade of the SCG, the cast of “42nd Street” standing forlornly in the centre of the ground waiting in vain for their music to start, and more recently, Billy Idol’s hovercraft cutting the power, which was a good thing.

*The sensational prizes bestowed on guests of TV’s “Controversy Corner” — including a Pelaco shirt, vouchers for a Viking Sauna and Kevin Junee’s Run For Your Life sports store and the piece of resistance — a bottle of Patra orange juice.

*“The Theme From Shaft” used over the closing credits of Channel Seven’s Sunday night footy coverage with Rex Mossop. Not sure what a “blaxploitation” film had to do with footy, but there’s probably a parallel. “Chips and eggs” was the standard Sunday night fare in the Williams household.
Many divorce petitions are filed in US courts every year, but the major reason cialis canada online for this is being noted as unsatisfactory sex life caused by the impotence in their health, they are not able to make satisfied your lady love with all sorts of process. These items have cialis cheapest price no discriminative foundation on which to illustrate how their strong guarantees work. It is one among the commonly prescribed discount viagra cures for health risks like infertility. Erection problem occurs when not enough blood order cheap levitra http://respitecaresa.org/about-respite-care/dsc_7906/ supply to the bones.
*The Chook Army (diehard supporters of Eastern Suburbs) singing “We hate Ray Price and we hate Ray Price / We hate Ray Price and we hate Ray Price / We hate Ray Price and we hate Ray Price / we are the Ray Price haters”. One actually threw a grapefruit at him while he was in his petrified praying mantis pose — he didn’t budge.

*The “sand boy” running on with a small bucket of sand to for the ball to sit on before conversions and penalty shots at goal.

*Scanlen’s footy cards — that sweet smell of the thin pink strip of bubble gum lingering on the cards… and still lingers with me. Some bastard kid knocking the cards out of another kids’ hands in the school playground yelling “Scramble!!!” which meant a mad free-for-all.

*Having a birthday party with a few mates when I was about ten at Lidcombe Oval for the Chooks v the Magpies, we were sitting behind the try line and were captured in mid-try celebration mode in a photo on the back page of the next day’s Daily Mirror.

*The arse falling out of your meat pie at a brass monkey-inducing Sydney Sports Ground.

*The trainer scurrying on to the field with his “magic sponge” dunked in a bucket of water, mopping up a horrific head gash, then redunking it in the same bucket, primed for the next injury.

*One of my most prized possessions — the autographs of the entire victorious Roosters 1975 side (on an Easts Leagues Club wine list — thanks Uncle Pete).

For all its faults — and there are a few, it’s a bloody good game. It’s our game.

©Steve Williams 2018

*This piece also appeared in The Huffington Post Australia:
The Good Old Days When Rugby Was In A League Of Its Own