Tag: Australia

COVID-19… taking the piss

Posted on by SW

Now, where was I?

What a time. What an absolute clusterfuck.

Betsy enjoyed her lip-smacking Ivermectin

With slightly dodgy lungs, I’ve been desperately trying to avoid attracting the attention of the COVID-19 lurgy. So far so good… and thankfully now fully vaccinated, I’m still alert but not alarmed. 

Though sadly, like the rest of us, I haven’t been able to avoid nutjob anti-vaxxers, rabid anti-mask wearers and the heart-worming stories of people who think it’s a brilliant idea to combat COVID-19 by overdosing on the anti-parasitic agent Ivermectin, commonly used to treat animals… usually very large ones such as cows and horses.

You have to wonder who was the first person to try Ivermectin? “You know what Trevor? You know how Ivermectin cleared up Betsy’s heartworm, I reckon it’ll be good for my pesky COVID-19 cough, so I’m gonna whiz up an Ivermectin milkshake.” 

Yes, Ivermectin is just the latest in seriously fucked up COVID-19 “treatments” and “cures”. 

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There’s been anti-static clothing, “nano-silver” toothpaste, necklaces to ward off COVID-19 (sans vampire-warding off garlic I assume), a German vaccine beer, an anti-corona mattress, virus-killing deodorant, even activewear brand Lorna Jane claimed its boffins had come up with “LJ Shield Activewear” sprayed with “groundbreaking technology” that could protect wearers against “viruses including COVID-19”. Spoiler alert: It couldn’t and the company was whacked $5 million by the Australian Federal Court. 

Who could forget the orange former US president suggesting disinfectant and ultraviolet light could be handy protection against COVID-19? That seems like several lifetimes ago. I wonder what he would make of a wellness influencer touting the benefits of 30 seconds of sun on your butthole. The mental image of a nude Trump, legs akimbo, saluting the sun is not to anyone’s benefit.

But wait, there’s more. An Indian politician suggested drinking cow urine, unfortunately he wasn’t taking the piss. Then there was Belarus President Alexander Lukashenko who apparently suggested driving a tractor and drinking alcohol will prevent COVID-19, though I’m not sure if he meant simultaneously.

Unfortunately, when you combine ignorance, desperation and in a lot of cases rampant stupidity and throw in the viral impact of misinformation from seriously fucked up Facebook groups, bizarre YouTube videos and conspiracy theorists on radio and TV screaming at gullible people, you get a deadly cocktail.   

I’ll stick to the science, thanks.

Though in the words of John Denver, sunshine on my butthole may make me happy.

©Steve Williams 2021

Dear COVID-19 anti-vaxxers, fuck right off

Posted on by SW

Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison was all over the news today, thankfully for not having a beer at the footy or jetting off on a Hawaiian jaunt. That’s a bit unfair, he has handled the pandemic quite well. Morrison has signed a letter of intent with biopharmaceutical company AstraZeneca to produce 25 million doses of a COVID-19 vaccine currently being tested. Not surprisingly in the outrage culture of 2020, debates have already kicked off over Morrison’s use of the word “mandatory”.

Of course a COVID-19 vaccine should be mandatory, unless for 1000% genuine medical reasons, as in the vaccine recipient’s arm will fall off, or they’ll drop dead. Even the arm excuse isn’t good enough. Most of us have a spare. Religious reasons? Don’t care. Surely your religion preaches something about being selfless and looking after your fellow man / woman / insert other option here… etc etc.

No doubt the nutjob-tin hat-wearing anti-vaxxer-sovereign-citizen brigade will emerge from wherever they emerge from. They’ll be spouting some pseudo-constitutional human rights charter bollocks they have dreamt up and gleefully shared in their pathetic little Facebook groups.

These selfish bastards have been out in force across the globe over having to wear masks and adhere to totally understandable travel restrictions. Australian standouts include the obnoxious “Bunnings Karen” and one Eve Black who refused to comply with a police officer at a checkpoint, while filming herself for social media. The officer who endured her rant should receive a medal for showing great restraint in not shooting her.

Anti-vaxxer morons can fuck right off.

They spout their hilarious bullshit that Bill Gates wants to create a new world order by injecting us all with 5G towers, while the lizard-people Royal Family wave on. Or something.

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The trouble is, it’s not just random nutjobs… it’s also high profile politicians — the usual suspect Pauline Hanson — and media “personalities”, so-called celebrity chefs and more, who unfortunately have, or are given a voice. These people are ignorant and dangerous and should not be given any media oxygen, but obviously they will.

It’s not about them or their “freedom”, COVID-19 doesn’t discriminate. Hundreds of thousands dead, lives decimated, economies in the toilet. A vaccine is all we have to try and claw our way out of this.

Anyone who refuses the COVID-19 vaccine should be banned from stepping outside his or her house. Or better still, left to rot on Manus Island where refugees en route to Australia are cruelly imprisoned. These anti-vaxxers are entitled to nothing.

My slightly dodgy lungs have a vested interest in a successful COVID-19 vaccine. Like millions of others, I have pretty much been in self-imposed lockdown for months. I leave the house only when I need to, and the very odd occasion I’ve caught up with friends. I’m not paranoid, just measured.

I can think of a few better ways to spend my time than face down on a hospital bed hooked up to a ventilator. Wear a mask. Get the vaccine.

©Steve Williams 2020

My city of Sydney – digital zombies, tradies in undies

Posted on by SW

I hadn’t been back to Sydney for a few years. I was recently in town, and in no particular order, here are a few random observations. 

Not quite what Sydney airport needs, but close

It’s the kulcha mate. I heard this enlightening comment from a bloke behind me on the flight to Sydney, “I went to Zurich and f*cking paid 20 bucks for a beer. Then, “I feel pretty cultured though now that I’ve been to Zurich.” Sydney’s gain, Zurich’s loss.

As you walk off the aircraft, those first corridors are soulless. They need something more Australian, more Sydney. I don’t mean an animatronic Paul Hogan offering a shrimp on the barbie, or a Sydney “personality” (Roxie Jacenko?) welcoming you, but something.

The taxi driver from the airport was a nice bloke, sans BO, which is always a bonus. I was watching the meter violently ticking over like a Geiger counter in Chernobyl. It was late on a Sunday night with no traffic and the fare to the CBD was stupid dollars. I’d forgotten how expensive taxis are. 

To misquote Eric Idle, Sydney keeps on expanding and expanding… faster than a Married at First Sight star’s 15 nanoseconds of fame. Why are the motorways a permanent construction zone? Why didn’t they future proof them when they were first built? The boffins behind the Sydney Harbour Bridge got it right. In 1932.

You need a bank loan to buy a simple, garden-variety sandwich, pub meals are now the same price as fancy restaurants… no doubt to pay for the funky hipster light globes you see in every pub.

Speaking of hipsters, on my last visit I noticed every drink was served in a mason jar, and food was served in a pot plant, slab of slate or on a shovel. Thankfully restaurants have rediscovered glasses and plates.

The hipsters still have some influence… new-old-school barber shops have sprung up everywhere in Sydney’s CBD (along with discount chemist shops). I had a haircut at one said barber, and thankfully didn’t emerge with a man bun and Grizzly Adams beard, wearing a flannelette shirt and riding a skateboard. 

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What’s with the buskers in Pitt St Mall? One bloke was playing “My Heart Will Go On” on a violin plugged into a Spinal Tap-style wall of sound cranked up beyond 11. It was so f*cking loud I was hoping an iceberg would do us all a favour.

To mute the Celine Dion wannabe, I should have joined the ever-increasing numbers of Sydney-siders talking to themselves while wearing headphones or AirPods. A woman in my hotel was talking at the top of her voice to herself about KPIs, spreadsheets, working capital and “visual optics.” I’m not sure if she was wearing AirPods or it was a serious mental health issue. I encountered many annoying people on speakerphone calls or watching stuff on their phone. Show some consideration. I’m talking to you, person on the train watching a documentary on rubber trees without headphones. SHUT. THE. F*CK. UP. 

I caught the Sydney Metro a few times, excellent. Though “Tallawong” sounds like a naughty euphemism in a Slim Dusty song.

The spatial awareness of Sydney types was always crap, but it’s worse now. Digital zombies wander aimlessly, heads down, messaging / reading / watching / swiping. It will be natural selection at its best once the trams start running (again) in George Street. Hopefully they will have bull bars or snow ploughs.

I kept seeing ads flogging undies designed for tradies. I’m disappointed they’re not in high-vis, though at least I didn’t see plumber’s crack.

My most profound moment in Sydney… I could understand the guard on the train. Simultaneously great for commuters and rather sad.

Having said all that, you gotta love Sydney *raises a mason jar*.

©Steve Williams 2019

Homelessness: a positive spin

Posted on by SW

Meanwhile in Australian politics, the Hon Luke Howarth, Assistant Minister for Community Housing, Homelessness and Community Services was not so honourably attacked this week.

In a radio interview, Howarth appeared to downplay the homelessness crisis in Australia and even suggested the issue needed a “positive spin.” Of course it does. As I am always happy to assist a minister of the Crown, I have come up with a few positive spin talking points for your next media appearance.

A Marie Kondo poster child

Homelessness highlights:

*Back to nature. Ah, the great outdoors… be at one with nature. Communing intimately with Australia’s unique flora and fauna, you have a special relationship that David Attenborough could only dream about. Not to mention getting up close and personal to the Milky Way every night.

*The ultimate open plan office. No distractions from Trevor in the chair at your elbow banging on how epic his weekend was. No having to contribute to the leaving gift of Brian from accounts. No endless, useless meetings, no bullshit talk of synergy and digital transformation. 

*Lovers of architecture rejoice! You can admire the intricate cantilever design of a bridge while sleeping under it. 

*No more noisy, inconsiderate neighbours with wanky expensive electronic appliances. You don’t have to endure those annoying bastards in the upstairs apartment cranking the subwoofer up to 11. 

*Minimalist living. You are the Marie Kondo poster child, the envy of hoarders living among mountains of stuff. You have evaluated your one possession and decided, yes, it brings joy.

*Mortgage and rent-free. What an incredible weight off your shoulders. You never have to navigate a bank’s stupidly complicated customer service hotline ever again. Press 27 for ultimate financial freedom.

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*Your senses, reflexes, intuition and spacial awareness are highly tuned. You could easily join the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

*Your days of being a slave to fashion are over. Create your signature look and own it, with zero f*cks given.

*Soup. By dining at all those soup kitchens, you have become a Master Chef style soup gourmand. Garçon! More de boeuf consommé s’il vous plait!

There you are minister, these suggestions are just as outrageous as your choice of words.

You may believe that homelessness “affects a very, very small percentage of the population,” but to those people it is a very real, devastating existence, there is no “positive spin.”

Nobody should be homeless.

©Steve Williams 2019