Tag: Australia

One day and T20 cricket is dead… long live T.01™

Posted on by SW

Cricket’s old enemies Australia and England faced each other this week at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The home team destroyed England in a 222-run win, completing a clean sweep of the one day series, but nobody gave a flying proverbial. 

T0.1™ : Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashes a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli

Only 10,406 hardy souls showed up, a record-low crowd. The MCG can hold ten times that.

Sadly, Australia is cricketed out and it’s only November. The recent snoozefest of the T20 World Cup was evidence of that. Nobody gave a rat’s, apart from the die-hard supporters of India, Pakistan and England.

But fear not, I have the solution to cater for Australian cricket lovers’ gnat-sized attention span. 

One day and T20 cricket is dead. Introducing my unique concept: T0.1™. That’s correct, just one ball a side. 

Think about it… Steve Smith strides to the crease and smacks the first (and only) ball high into the grandstands. Change of innings… the hapless England batsman tentatively creeps out to the middle, needing a six to tie the game. No pressure. He manages only a pathetic two. AUSTRALIA WINS!!! THE CROWD ERUPTS!!! This is T0.1™.

T.01™ will reignite Australia’s passion for cricket. 

The T.01™ World Cup will only go for half an hour, giving you plenty of time to wash the car in the afternoon.

T.01™ will create domestic bliss… no more, “You’re not gunna spend all bloody day watching the bloody cricket are ya?” T.01™ will also be brilliant for climate change, as the games won’t last long enough to need to turn the lights on.

I’m currently pitching the revolutionary T.01™ cricket format to the ICC and yes, I need to tweak some of the finer details, but I believe they’ll be on board. Especially when I unveil my groundbreaking use of holograms, but with real cricket balls.

Picture this… Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashing a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli, Patty Cummins steaming in off the long run to W.G. Grace… we’ll recreate Bodyline with The Don bravely facing Harold Larwood, the famous Tied Test… the sky is the absolute f*cking limit.

You heard it here first. T.01™ is the future of cricket.

I already have the tagline: “T.01™ …blink and you’ll miss it.”

©Steve Williams 2022

Dear Nick Kyrgios, please don’t be a dick on Sunday

Posted on by SW

An open letter…

Congratulations Nick, on making your first grand slam singles final, an amazing achievement.

Kyrgios demonstrates one of his favourite shots

On Sunday afternoon, your name will be etched into the honour roll of Australians who have stepped onto the hallowed grass of Wimbledon’s Centre Court to contest the Singles Final.

Your talent has never been in doubt, but please don’t be a dick.

*Don’t scream at / gesticulate at / show disrespect to the umpire / linespeople / ball kids. You said in one of your many rants that you wouldn’t berate people when they are at work at a supermarket “scanning shit”. The umpire and linespeople are at work. So don’t berate them. It’s not difficult. As for ball kids, who screams at a ball kid? Wait, I can think of a few…

*Don’t throw / smash racquets… you’re not three years old.

*Don’t continually ramble incoherently when you’re sitting in your chair. No one cares. Be more like Rafa or Roger.

*Ignore the dickheads in the crowd… and there’ll be plenty… just focus on Novax on the other side of the net.

*Don’t constantly scream and gesticulate at your team…. it gets very annoying. They don’t need to give you a standing ovation every time you win a point and your father doesn’t need to whistle after every point like he’s calling a sheepdog. It’s Wimbledon, not a Boston Celtics game.

*Don’t attempt “gamesmanship” that will put off your opponent…. that is very dicklike.

*Don’t spit at spectators or anyone.

*Don’t throw a chair (or anything) onto the court like you did in Italy.

*Don’t be a dick about the towels.

*Don’t tank. No one ever wants to see that… leave that shit to Bernard Tomic the Tank Engine.

*Just calm the f*ck down, play your best tennis and most importantly, enjoy what will be an absolutely amazing experience that most of us can only dream about. 

Good luck.

Thanks, 

Australia

©Steve Williams 2022

Another mass shooting. F*ck your #ThoughtsAndPrayers

Posted on by SW

“Every time my daughter walks out the front door in the morning, I know she mightn’t come home.”

This mother’s daughter is not a police officer or serving in the military. She is a school kid.

Another one today. Another mass shooting in an American school… Uvalde, Texas. 19 kids and two adults killed, more injured.

Texas. Where last year Republicans passed a law so anyone over 21 can buy a gun without a license, test or background check, but the state has the most restrictive abortion laws in the United States. Priorities.

There was the usual outrage today at the NRA, more #ThoughtsAndPrayers, more politicians up in arms (thankfully not literally) and the President asking “When in God’s name are we going to stand up to the gun lobby?”

That’s an excellent question. Maybe someone should ask her.

Unfortunately those thoughts and prayers mean f*ck all to the children and adults killed or injured in the 27 school shootings in the United States this year. Not to mention the victims of mass shootings in supermarkets, churches, colleges etc, etc. Also not to mention the psychological scars the survivors will endure.

I’m Australian and it’s unimaginable to me that kids have emergency drills in school in case some nutjob with an AR-15 is pissed off at the universe and goes berserk.

It’s unimaginable to me that you can easily buy a military-style weapon… or two, that were apparently bought by the killer (I refuse to name him) just after after his 18th birthday. As one does.

It’s unimaginable to me that the United States Constitution includes the right to keep and bear arms. This amendment was ratified in 1791, however back then nobody was stalking victims in a school with an AR-15. Why the actual f*ck can’t it be unratified in 2022?

It’s unimaginable to me that terrified kids would have to desperately crawl for their lives through school windows and hide in a nearby funeral home, which will be the new temporary home to many of their dead friends.

It’s unimaginable to me that panicked parents have to run down to a school and wait for hours to hear if their child is alive or dead following another mass shooting. Their anguished screams echoing through the eerie silence of the school car park.

In the United States the Sandy Hook massacre in 2012 was supposedly the line in the sand. This is it. Never again. Hasn’t quite worked out.

Australia had its own Sandy Hook… in 1996. That horrific Sunday afternoon in Port Arthur, Tasmania when 35 people were killed and 23 injured. Just 12 days after the Port Arthur massacre, then Prime Minister John Howard announced a sweeping set of gun reforms. As Tim Fischer, Howard’s deputy said, “Port Arthur we acted on. The USA is not prepared to act on their tragedies.”

Gun control is possible. There hasn’t been a mass shooting in Australia since Port Arthur. The same can’t be said for the United States. Thoughts and prayers are standing by…

©Steve Williams 2022

Freedom Day… frothy pokies… and segregation. WTAF?

Posted on by SW

As someone originally from Sydney, I followed yesterday’s so-called Freedom Day from a distance with some interest, hilarity and anger.

Blokes free to do blokey things

After 106 days in lockdown, it appeared Sydney-siders were desperate to queue up to get into a local club at the stroke of midnight to do their dough on the poker machines, cram into their local Kmart also at midnight to buy stuff they could’ve bought online at any stage in the past 106 days, drink copious amounts of beer and get a haircut… preferably simultaneously.

From the coverage I saw, it was men doing all of this. Weren’t the good womenfolk freed, or are they still back in 1953 doing the ironing Tony Abbott style?

There were joyous resurrection scenes of the new New South Wales Premier, fresh from a haircut (and possibly Kmart) rolling out the barrel at a pub, then drinking the contents while standing up, contravening his own government’s regulations… the standing up bit, not rolling out the barrel. The words “freedom frothie” were mentioned.  It was all very blokey, though there may have been someone with a uterus serving the beers, “I’ll have a schooner of cringe-worthy media stunts, thanks love.”

Premier Perrottet would have been better served doing his Freedom Day media bit from a hospital, thanking all the healthcare workers for their amazing and selfless work, but nah… a pub’s better for the telly and compulsory for Australian political leaders. 

Sadly and not surprisingly, yesterday didn’t mark freedom from fuckwits. 

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Anti-vaxxer nutjobs were out and about in force. Thankfully Freedom Day didn’t apply to them… the NSW government mandated that retail and hospitality could reopen, provided all staff and customers were fully vaccinated.

Some random dickhead at a café in Sydney’s inner west took exception to this and started abusing the barista how he was “walking implicitly into segregation”. LOL. If only he had walked implicitly into a fist.

“Segregation” must have been in the recent talking points faxed to anti-vaxxers, as Home and Away actor Sam Frost posted a tearful Instagram video in which she made the bizarre plea, “I hope that this segregation disappears and that people treat each other like human beings with kindness and compassion and empathy.” The world-renowned epidemiologist and soap star also listed reasons why people aren’t getting vaccinated, except her own.

Segregation? Seriously? Just FRO and get vaccinated. 

How’s the kindness, compassion and empathy?

©Steve Williams 2021