Author: SW

Review: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania – pass the Marvel Baygon

Posted on by SW

I’m not a comic book person, but I like Marvel films. I’ve seen them all. Some are great, most enjoyable, but Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (Antman 3 for brevity)? Not so much. I feel like I’d seen it all before. 

The search for skanky Blu-Tack and a plot continues

With the phases, multiverses, timelines, character arcs, variants etc etc, it’s really getting to the point you need a Masters of Engineering to follow exactly WTAF is going on in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. If only it was still just the one.

I really like Paul Rudd, I thoroughly enjoy his work. Nobody brandishes a bottle of Sex Panther cologne and lip syncs Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” quite like him. The first Ant-Man worked as it was a fish out of water story… an everyman thrown into an incredible situation… and nobody does everyman like Paul Rudd. It was also very different to every other Marvel film up until then. It carved its own niche. The second Ant-Man film was a bit silly… with added Wasp, now this third one is just bogged in the MCU bloated blancmange. 

Ant-Man 3 seemed like it was MacGyvered together with some old ratty coloured cellophane and a bit of skanky Blu-Tack found in the bottom of a drawer. It was as though something horrible had happened to Paul Rudd just after shooting started and they had to bodgy up the rest of it with random bits of stuff. Including that Michelle Pfeiffer’s character Janet didn’t previously let on there’s actually a teeny-tiny Wakanda-style city thing in the quantum realm. Bizarre.                            

The cast including Rudd, Pfeiffer, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, Kathryn Newton (let’s not talk about Bill Murray) and new baddie Jonathan Majors as the work-experience Thanos who has leaving                             major pauses                           between                                 his lines down to an                       art form all did their best… participation medals all round… but it was just missing something.  

As they all were fumbling around down in the quantum realm searching for that thing, finding it, losing it and finding it again, they should have been looking for a cohesive plot and what made Ant-Man 1 work.

The fact that the majority of the action takes place in CGI Land made it all rather same-old same-old. Imagine if the entire 1971 Willy Wonka film was set in the Chocolate Room. At least that had a chocolate river and the annoying fat kid getting his comeuppance (literally). I’m ignoring the current BS wokeification of Roald Dahl.

I mentioned earlier I felt I’d seen it all before? It was kind of like Taika Waititi passed on directing Ant-Man 3, but they “borrowed”/paid homage to various scenes from Thor: Ragnarok without the coolness and humour that actually worked.

Just like most Marvel films, you know exactly what’s going to happen, the plots aren’t exactly complex, which is fine, they are superhero films after all, but at least you can usually relate to the characters on their quest. This one? Didn’t really care. They could all still be stuck down there aimlessly meandering around searching for that thing and a plot, while I was having a nice cup of tea at home.

An example… that stupid M.O.D.O.K. head thing played by the bloke from House of Cards with T-Rex baby arms, banging on about not being a dick? It was all rather dick-like.

Sorry Paul. Maybe I’m just Marveled-out. Hopefully it’ll get good again in phase 37.

©Steve Williams 2023

Catch Prince Harry in Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

Posted on by SW

Prince Harry’s “autobiography” Spare has now been released globally, not just for the lucky la pueblo of Spain.

Prince Harry stars in Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

When the white-hot media spotlight that Harry detests, but is happy to bask in as he whores himself around flogging his book fades, he’ll be desperately needing more ways to stretch out and cash in on his ginge whinge-fest at the Royal Family and the universe.

I have an absolutely brilliant concept that will have Broadway and The West End charging down the gates of H&M’s Montecito mansion.

Presenting… Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

Just imagine it… a musical interpretation of the juiciest, TMI and WTAF? bits of Harry’s book.

The Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ stage is a barren, frigid dystopia, complete with a frozen palace and ice sculptures of the Royal Family.

The musical opens with Harry, playing himself, feeling lost and overshadowed by his older brother and with massive Pa and mummy issues. As he struggles to find his identity, he is mentored by a wise, older woman who takes him under her wing and helps him discover his passions and talents. She also takes Harry’s virginity while spanking his arse in a field behind a pub. SPOLIER: This woman is not the “dangerous” Camilla. 

Without giving too much away, highlights of Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ include the moving scene when Harry’s dick falls off from frostbite in the Arctic set to a heartrending ballad, I Have A Frozen Todger. You will also see Meghan and Kate battle it out over everything from bridesmaid’s dresses to lip gloss.

Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ will recount Harry’s words on his military career, including how he killed 25 Taliban types in Afghanistan. This is right after the Target On My Back scene where he bitches at his family how they have put the security of Meghan and his children at risk. 

Relive all the classic, unforgettable moments from Spare, including the necklace-breaking-dog bowl-smashing fight with William set to Clear The Heir and being forced at gunpoint by William and Kate to wear a Nazi uniform.

You’ll love the rousing, sing-a-long chorus to William and I Are Circumcised, But I Wish My Family Would Stop Leaking Private Things To The Media and the angst-ridden plea, Please Let Me Keep My Beard.

Other songs are being written as Harry does more interviews, but the emotionally-charged finale of Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ sees Harry tearfully performing a solo routine demonstrating his freedom, set to a pathetically clichéd reworking of Let it Go from Frozen, complete with a crown and cape made of glittering icicles, while the ice sculptures of his father, stepmother and brother slowly melt in the background.

Just wild about Prince Harry? Don’t miss Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

©Steve Williams 2023

World Cup soccer… the beautiful game? Nah.

Posted on by SW

I’ve never really been into soccer… sorry… football. Actually, f*ck it, I call it soccer.

Definitely not my soccer trophy, they didn’t have participation medals back in the day

My soccer experience was limited on the field… sorry… pitch… to a season in the Under 6 minus Zs, where I was tried in every position except as part of the goal posts, which I would have been very good at if I was a bit taller. The games consisted of a manic scrum of kids swarming around the ball like cranky seagulls around a hot chip, randomly kicking at air, the other kids’ ankles and very occasionally the ball. Passing and positions were non-existent. I was quite happy being left right out.

My soccer career later moved to the stage, where I had a religious experience when cast in a high school play about football hooliganism called Zigger Zagger. I was the “Football Fan Vicar”. From hazy memory the role involved pontificating biblical passages infused with soccer references. I wasn’t converted. To either soccer or religion.

DISCLAIMER: I admit I know less than zero about the tactics of soccer, but I can’t deal with the pathetic milking-a-penalty-by-rolling-around-on-the-ground-in agony-after-not-even-being-touched-before-jumping-up-five-seconds-later-shit. Maybe Jesus does perform soccer miracles after all… they say he saves, so why not? FIFA should introduce a rule that If a player is on the ground, they should be euthanised on the pitch, like they do with those poor Melbourne Cup racehorses. That would make it interesting and stop the bullshit penalties.

Soccer is apparently called the “beautiful game”. NFI why. Passing the ball backwards sometimes right back to the goalkeeper has me yelling “FFS THE GOAL IS THAT WAY!! Then there are the nil-all draws. Boring AF. It’s the equivalent of watching a cricket test that ends in a dull draw, without the bad acting.

Also, WTF is it about taking maritime distress signals… flares… to a game of soccer… or worse, where fans are only watching a game on a big screen thousands of kilometres away from where the game is actually being played. The other night quite a few people were injured at live viewing sites around Australia, including a woman who received an involuntary haircut thanks to a flare-wielding moron. Who was the first person to bring a flare to a soccer game… was it a mistake? Did it happen to be left over in their bag after some nautical voyage and they thought my team just scored, so why not?

I may not understand soccer at all, but I really love the passion (obsession) displayed by fans (apart from the flares). You really can’t compare it to any other sport.

My Croatian-born wife and I were lucky enough to be in Croatia during the last few games of the 2018 World Cup and it was amazing, an incredible experience. We watched the semi final against England with family from Sydney in an Italian restaurant in Makarska… as you do, which was heaving. Such a great atmosphere. When Croatia scored their two goals and eventually won, the place absolutely went off. The one table of English types quietly gave themselves the red card and skulked away before the full-time whistle. Unfortunately Croatia’s loss to France in the final led to a more subdued atmosphere, but the pride in their team was palpable. So glad we were there to experience it.

We also witnessed the passion when we lived in Munich during two World Cups. When Germany won in 2014, fans poured into the streets, singing and dancing and letting off fireworks and we actually witnessed the rare sight of Bavarians smiling. It was stark contrast to the 2018 World Cup when Germany didn’t make it past the group stage… tumble weeds and crickets… and business as usual for the cranky Bavarians. It would have been the same this year.

I’m still not converted to soccer, but I’ll be definitely watching the final on December 18, sans flares.

©Steve Williams 2022

One day and T20 cricket is dead… long live T.01™

Posted on by SW

Cricket’s old enemies Australia and England faced each other this week at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. The home team destroyed England in a 222-run win, completing a clean sweep of the one day series, but nobody gave a flying proverbial. 

T0.1™ : Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashes a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli

Only 10,406 hardy souls showed up, a record-low crowd. The MCG can hold ten times that.

Sadly, Australia is cricketed out and it’s only November. The recent snoozefest of the T20 World Cup was evidence of that. Nobody gave a rat’s, apart from the die-hard supporters of India, Pakistan and England.

But fear not, I have the solution to cater for Australian cricket lovers’ gnat-sized attention span. 

One day and T20 cricket is dead. Introducing my unique concept: T0.1™. That’s correct, just one ball a side. 

Think about it… Steve Smith strides to the crease and smacks the first (and only) ball high into the grandstands. Change of innings… the hapless England batsman tentatively creeps out to the middle, needing a six to tie the game. No pressure. He manages only a pathetic two. AUSTRALIA WINS!!! THE CROWD ERUPTS!!! This is T0.1™.

T.01™ will reignite Australia’s passion for cricket. 

The T.01™ World Cup will only go for half an hour, giving you plenty of time to wash the car in the afternoon.

T.01™ will create domestic bliss… no more, “You’re not gunna spend all bloody day watching the bloody cricket are ya?” T.01™ will also be brilliant for climate change, as the games won’t last long enough to need to turn the lights on.

I’m currently pitching the revolutionary T.01™ cricket format to the ICC and yes, I need to tweak some of the finer details, but I believe they’ll be on board. Especially when I unveil my groundbreaking use of holograms, but with real cricket balls.

Picture this… Fred “The Demon” Spofforth unleashing a thunderbolt to Virat Kohli, Patty Cummins steaming in off the long run to W.G. Grace… we’ll recreate Bodyline with The Don bravely facing Harold Larwood, the famous Tied Test… the sky is the absolute f*cking limit.

You heard it here first. T.01™ is the future of cricket.

I already have the tagline: “T.01™ …blink and you’ll miss it.”

©Steve Williams 2022