Author: SW

ASMR to annoying AF: The future of reality TV is here and it’s f*cking terrible

Posted on by SW
By not rustling her chip packet, Janet will be a dismal failure on Krunch Kamikazes

I see there’s a new reality TV show in Australia called Blow Up. I’m not making this up.

Interesting name, though wannabe suicide bombers will be bitterly disappointed when they realise that the blowing up bit only refers to balloons, not themselves.

According to the breathless (sorry) release from the network, “In a celebration of skill, precision, creativity and joy, Blow Up transforms the humble balloon into jaw-dropping and awe-inspiring artistic creations.” So it’s people MacGyvering stuff out of balloons. 

The Blow Up concept is originally from the Netherlands, which is the spiritual home of bizarre reality show concepts. This is the country responsible for Deal or No Deal, Big Brother, Celebrity Saviour, The Voice, Incontinence Island, Fear Factor, Dating in the Dark and more.

Balloon MacGyvering is a serious business. The judge of the Australian version has the letters “CBA” after his name, which is “Certified Balloon Artist”. Not sure who he is certified by, but I’m an ordained reverend after five minutes on the internet, so who am I to judge?

My biggest concern about this TV show, apart from the everything, is the sound of balloons being man/woman/person-handled. That squeaking-scrunching audio abomination has to be one of the worst sounds ever, even if the balloon brandisher does create a cute animal an easily impressed four-year-old loses their shit over.

In keeping with this extremely niche reality TV show theme of annoying AF sounds, I’m currently pitching the following shows. If viewers love (or hate) the look and sound of people squeaking balloons (not a euphemism), they’ll be all over these concepts: 

*Slurp Showdown: Contestants compete to see who can slurp their tea / coffee / soup / liquid of choice the loudest and most obnoxiously. The cast will predominantly consist of deaf (sorry, hearing-impaired) senior citizens. Teeth optional. 

*Leaf Blower Love Connection: Singles (desperate for romance and more importantly the chance to become a social media influenza and join an FM radio breakfast crew for half an hour until the ratings tank) are paired up. They are sent on dates where they must recreate the lyrics to one-hit wonder love songs with leaves and then perform the number with said leaf blower.

*Polystyrene Panic: The talent is placed in a room filled with polystyrene pieces and must endure the sound of them rubbing together (the polystyrene, not the talent) for as long as possible. The last person standing wins a cash prize and all the polystyrene they can eat.

*Sniffing Superstars: Contestants show off their talent for sniffing loudly and obnoxiously, with judges critiquing and rating each performance. Additional points for the farming of bush oysters. Simon Cowell is interested.

*Pen-Clicking Island: Marooned on a deserted island with only a never-ending supply of old-school click pens for entertainment, the last person to go insane from the sound wins a shitty prize.

*Krunch Kamikazes: The kontestants are confined to a cinema screening endless silent movies and are challenged to rustle and crunch as many packets of chips as they can. The last person not to be killed by movie-goers wins a shitty prize. Deaf senior citizens need not apply.

But here’s the pièce of résistance…

A truly evil reality show that combines some of the above annoying AF sounds with a shock twist… it’s set in an open plan office, AKA a bullshit “collaborative workspace”.

For your consideration: Open-Plan Armageddon: A group of co-workers are locked in a hellscape open-plan office filled with clicking pens, slurping, sniffing and noisy chip-crunching, constant interruptions of colleagues wanting to “touch base”, irritating keyboard clicking, loud phone calls, eternal PowerPoints and oh, so much more. Definitely no WFH here. We can even throw in the odd D-grade celebrity intruder brandishing a leaf blower, polystyrene and balloons. The last person to lose their fucking mind wins a prize.

“Hello, is that the gazillion-dollar Dutch reality TV show company?”

©Steve Williams 2023

Review: Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania – pass the Marvel Baygon

Posted on by SW

I’m not a comic book person, but I like Marvel films. I’ve seen them all. Some are great, most enjoyable, but Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (Antman 3 for brevity)? Not so much. I feel like I’d seen it all before. 

The search for skanky Blu-Tack and a plot continues

With the phases, multiverses, timelines, character arcs, variants etc etc, it’s really getting to the point you need a Masters of Engineering to follow exactly WTAF is going on in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. If only it was still just the one.

I really like Paul Rudd, I thoroughly enjoy his work. Nobody brandishes a bottle of Sex Panther cologne and lip syncs Queen’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” quite like him. The first Ant-Man worked as it was a fish out of water story… an everyman thrown into an incredible situation… and nobody does everyman like Paul Rudd. It was also very different to every other Marvel film up until then. It carved its own niche. The second Ant-Man film was a bit silly… with added Wasp, now this third one is just bogged in the MCU bloated blancmange. 

Ant-Man 3 seemed like it was MacGyvered together with some old ratty coloured cellophane and a bit of skanky Blu-Tack found in the bottom of a drawer. It was as though something horrible had happened to Paul Rudd just after shooting started and they had to bodgy up the rest of it with random bits of stuff. Including that Michelle Pfeiffer’s character Janet didn’t previously let on there’s actually a teeny-tiny Wakanda-style city thing in the quantum realm. Bizarre.                            

The cast including Rudd, Pfeiffer, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, Kathryn Newton (let’s not talk about Bill Murray) and new baddie Jonathan Majors as the work-experience Thanos who has leaving                             major pauses                           between                                 his lines down to an                       art form all did their best… participation medals all round… but it was just missing something.  

As they all were fumbling around down in the quantum realm searching for that thing, finding it, losing it and finding it again, they should have been looking for a cohesive plot and what made Ant-Man 1 work.

The fact that the majority of the action takes place in CGI Land made it all rather same-old same-old. Imagine if the entire 1971 Willy Wonka film was set in the Chocolate Room. At least that had a chocolate river and the annoying fat kid getting his comeuppance (literally). I’m ignoring the current BS wokeification of Roald Dahl.

I mentioned earlier I felt I’d seen it all before? It was kind of like Taika Waititi passed on directing Ant-Man 3, but they “borrowed”/paid homage to various scenes from Thor: Ragnarok without the coolness and humour that actually worked.

Just like most Marvel films, you know exactly what’s going to happen, the plots aren’t exactly complex, which is fine, they are superhero films after all, but at least you can usually relate to the characters on their quest. This one? Didn’t really care. They could all still be stuck down there aimlessly meandering around searching for that thing and a plot, while I was having a nice cup of tea at home.

An example… that stupid M.O.D.O.K. head thing played by the bloke from House of Cards with T-Rex baby arms, banging on about not being a dick? It was all rather dick-like.

Sorry Paul. Maybe I’m just Marveled-out. Hopefully it’ll get good again in phase 37.

©Steve Williams 2023

Catch Prince Harry in Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

Posted on by SW

Prince Harry’s “autobiography” Spare has now been released globally, not just for the lucky la pueblo of Spain.

Prince Harry stars in Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

When the white-hot media spotlight that Harry detests, but is happy to bask in as he whores himself around flogging his book fades, he’ll be desperately needing more ways to stretch out and cash in on his ginge whinge-fest at the Royal Family and the universe.

I have an absolutely brilliant concept that will have Broadway and The West End charging down the gates of H&M’s Montecito mansion.

Presenting… Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

Just imagine it… a musical interpretation of the juiciest, TMI and WTAF? bits of Harry’s book.

The Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ stage is a barren, frigid dystopia, complete with a frozen palace and ice sculptures of the Royal Family.

The musical opens with Harry, playing himself, feeling lost and overshadowed by his older brother and with massive Pa and mummy issues. As he struggles to find his identity, he is mentored by a wise, older woman who takes him under her wing and helps him discover his passions and talents. She also takes Harry’s virginity while spanking his arse in a field behind a pub. SPOLIER: This woman is not the “dangerous” Camilla. 

Without giving too much away, highlights of Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ include the moving scene when Harry’s dick falls off from frostbite in the Arctic set to a heartrending ballad, I Have A Frozen Todger. You will also see Meghan and Kate battle it out over everything from bridesmaid’s dresses to lip gloss.

Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ will recount Harry’s words on his military career, including how he killed 25 Taliban types in Afghanistan. This is right after the Target On My Back scene where he bitches at his family how they have put the security of Meghan and his children at risk. 

Relive all the classic, unforgettable moments from Spare, including the necklace-breaking-dog bowl-smashing fight with William set to Clear The Heir and being forced at gunpoint by William and Kate to wear a Nazi uniform.

You’ll love the rousing, sing-a-long chorus to William and I Are Circumcised, But I Wish My Family Would Stop Leaking Private Things To The Media and the angst-ridden plea, Please Let Me Keep My Beard.

Other songs are being written as Harry does more interviews, but the emotionally-charged finale of Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™ sees Harry tearfully performing a solo routine demonstrating his freedom, set to a pathetically clichéd reworking of Let it Go from Frozen, complete with a crown and cape made of glittering icicles, while the ice sculptures of his father, stepmother and brother slowly melt in the background.

Just wild about Prince Harry? Don’t miss Spare – The Musical – On Ice!!™

©Steve Williams 2023

World Cup soccer… the beautiful game? Nah.

Posted on by SW

I’ve never really been into soccer… sorry… football. Actually, f*ck it, I call it soccer.

Definitely not my soccer trophy, they didn’t have participation medals back in the day

My soccer experience was limited on the field… sorry… pitch… to a season in the Under 6 minus Zs, where I was tried in every position except as part of the goal posts, which I would have been very good at if I was a bit taller. The games consisted of a manic scrum of kids swarming around the ball like cranky seagulls around a hot chip, randomly kicking at air, the other kids’ ankles and very occasionally the ball. Passing and positions were non-existent. I was quite happy being left right out.

My soccer career later moved to the stage, where I had a religious experience when cast in a high school play about football hooliganism called Zigger Zagger. I was the “Football Fan Vicar”. From hazy memory the role involved pontificating biblical passages infused with soccer references. I wasn’t converted. To either soccer or religion.

DISCLAIMER: I admit I know less than zero about the tactics of soccer, but I can’t deal with the pathetic milking-a-penalty-by-rolling-around-on-the-ground-in agony-after-not-even-being-touched-before-jumping-up-five-seconds-later-shit. Maybe Jesus does perform soccer miracles after all… they say he saves, so why not? FIFA should introduce a rule that If a player is on the ground, they should be euthanised on the pitch, like they do with those poor Melbourne Cup racehorses. That would make it interesting and stop the bullshit penalties.

Soccer is apparently called the “beautiful game”. NFI why. Passing the ball backwards sometimes right back to the goalkeeper has me yelling “FFS THE GOAL IS THAT WAY!! Then there are the nil-all draws. Boring AF. It’s the equivalent of watching a cricket test that ends in a dull draw, without the bad acting.

Also, WTF is it about taking maritime distress signals… flares… to a game of soccer… or worse, where fans are only watching a game on a big screen thousands of kilometres away from where the game is actually being played. The other night quite a few people were injured at live viewing sites around Australia, including a woman who received an involuntary haircut thanks to a flare-wielding moron. Who was the first person to bring a flare to a soccer game… was it a mistake? Did it happen to be left over in their bag after some nautical voyage and they thought my team just scored, so why not?

I may not understand soccer at all, but I really love the passion (obsession) displayed by fans (apart from the flares). You really can’t compare it to any other sport.

My Croatian-born wife and I were lucky enough to be in Croatia during the last few games of the 2018 World Cup and it was amazing, an incredible experience. We watched the semi final against England with family from Sydney in an Italian restaurant in Makarska… as you do, which was heaving. Such a great atmosphere. When Croatia scored their two goals and eventually won, the place absolutely went off. The one table of English types quietly gave themselves the red card and skulked away before the full-time whistle. Unfortunately Croatia’s loss to France in the final led to a more subdued atmosphere, but the pride in their team was palpable. So glad we were there to experience it.

We also witnessed the passion when we lived in Munich during two World Cups. When Germany won in 2014, fans poured into the streets, singing and dancing and letting off fireworks and we actually witnessed the rare sight of Bavarians smiling. It was stark contrast to the 2018 World Cup when Germany didn’t make it past the group stage… tumble weeds and crickets… and business as usual for the cranky Bavarians. It would have been the same this year.

I’m still not converted to soccer, but I’ll be definitely watching the final on December 18, sans flares.

©Steve Williams 2022