Taylor Swift

Look What You Made Me Do: How Taylor Swift is rigging Super Bowl and the US election 

Posted on by SW
Taylor Swift just before she released COVID-19 from the lab

It has been revealed that Taylor Swift is not only rigging the Super Bowl so the team of her boyfriend, Travis Kelce will win, but also the US election so Donald Trump won’t.

The rantings of rightwing nutjobs? No. Taylor Swift is an awful human being and the evil mastermind behind some of the world’s worst tragedies. She’s been getting away with it for centuries. Here’s irrefutable proof…

*Taylor Swift invented the atomic bomb, not Oppenheimer.

*Taylor Swift never replaces toilet rolls. 

*Taylor Swift always reclines her seat and takes up both armrests on every flight.

*It was Taylor Swift on the grassy knoll. 

*That person who always closes the lift doors in your face just as you are getting in… Taylor Swift. 

*Taylor Swift has sent every spam email and text message.

*Taylor Swift started the Great Fire of London with a cigarette lighter in 1666.

*Taylor Swift invented the smell of off milk. 

*Taylor Swift always hits “Reply all” to work emails.

*That time someone parked so close to you at the mall so you couldn’t open your door… Taylor Swift.

*Taylor Swift always chews with her mouth open.

*When your laptop crashed before you saved your important work? Taylor Swift did that.

*Taylor Swift never wipes down machines at the gym. 

*When you buy a packet of chips and it’s only half full… Taylor Swift does that at the chip factory.

*Taylor Swift was responsible for the Hindenburg disaster. 

*When you couldn’t get the last seat on the train because a bag was sitting there? It was Taylor Swift’s.

*Your Amazon order that went missing… Taylor Swift stole it. 

*Taylor Swift never does her chores around the home.

*Taylor Swift started the bubonic plague in the 14th century.

*Taylor Swift always kicks sand at people when she is at the beach.

*That boy who farts all the time in class at school… it’s actually Taylor Swift.

*Taylor Swift Invaded Poland to start World War II.

*Taylor Swift always leaves the toilet seat up.

*The mobile phone that went off in the movie yesterday… Taylor Swift. 

*It was actually Taylor Swift who bowled Don Bradman for a duck in his final Test.

*Taylor Swift was responsible for the Chernobyl disaster.

*That tissue in your load of washing that covered everything… Taylor Swift put it there.

*Taylor Swift is Jack the Ripper. 

*Taylor Swift invented the stupid packaging of batteries you can never open properly.

*Taylor Swift released COVID-19 from the lab.

*Taylor Swift doesn’t really like cats.

*Taylor Swift is the Loch Ness Monster. 

*Taylor Swift always reheats stinky fish in the office microwave.

©Steve Williams 2024

A love letter to Sydney…

Posted on by SW

So. I’ve moved back to Sydney after living overseas since way back in 2005.

Looks like someone’s god is about to speak

Apart from family and friends, in no particularly order, here are a few things I’ve missed in almost 19 years living away… my Sydney love letter.

*Kookaburras… with the wombat, the kookaburra is a rather underrated Australian icon compared to the kangaroo and koala, but we kind of like it that way.

*The sky… the Sydney/Australian sky is absolutely breathtaking. That blue…

*The Harbour Bridge… although I’ve driven/trained/walked over the Bridge a gazillion times, it always feels like the first time. I often think of my grandmother who walked across the Bridge the day it opened on Saturday March 19, 1932, wearing an outfit she had specially made for the occasion. She even took her shoes off and carried them as her feet were hurting. Unheard of in 1932!

*Wendy Whiteley’s Secret Garden… but shhhhhh… don’t tell anyone.

*Sandstone… the look and texture. The “Sandstone Precinct” on Bridge St featuring the Lands and Education Department Buildings is one of my favourite parts of the city. The former Education Department building has been transformed into the stunning Capella Sydney hotel. 

*The Australian humour… irony, sarcasm… taking the piss. Love it.

*The Royal Botanic Garden Sydney… Sydney’s magnificent backyard. Though it could do with losing the word “Royal”.

*Rainbow Lorikeets… those random, screeching flashes of colour.

*The beaches… all of them… but I’m looking at you, Balmoral, Whale and Palm. Though I don’t love Balmoral when you hire a car on a scorching summer Saturday, get there at 7.45am, spend 40 minutes trying to find a parking with no luck. Peak Sydney.

*Food, glorious food. Sydney’s dining scene is incredible… from a succulent Chinese meal to any cuisine you can think of.

*The Sydney Cricket Ground… though I do miss the old scoreboard.

*Sydney ferries… the best way to travel. Being on a (Manly) ferry as it cuts its way to Circular Quay, or anywhere in Sydney Harbour is always a wonderful experience. But I do miss the old-school ferries.

*The Opera House… those pristine, sparkling white sails mask the controversy that marred the design and construction. It really is incredible… as are the performances I’ve seen inside.

*Seafood… a veritable smorgasbord. Just don’t come the raw prawn, er, mate.

*Australian wine… I’m rather un-Australian in that I’m not a beer drinker. It’s great living here and not having to pay a billionty dollars for brilliant Australian wine.

*The Elizabeth Street entrance to St. James station… the famed Château Tanunda neon sign has been there since 1926.

*Friendliness… going for an early morning walk and people nodding, saying “Morning”. You miss that.

*Sydney Harbour… absolutely every single thing about it.

*Hyde Park… smack bang in the CBD… the fig tree-lined avenues, the spectacular, mythical Archibald Fountain featuring Apollo, Diana and his mates.

*Taronga Zoo… definitely a zoo with a view.

*The kulcha… art galleries, theatres (special mention to the magnificent State Theatre and the vertigo-inducing Theatre Royal), museums, music venues… etc, etc.

As that old song by Tommy Leonetti goes, “My warm city of Sydney / I’ve never been away.”

©Steve Williams 2023

ASMR to annoying AF: The future of reality TV is here and it’s f*cking terrible

Posted on by SW
By not rustling her chip packet, Janet will be a dismal failure on Krunch Kamikazes

I see there’s a new reality TV show in Australia called Blow Up. I’m not making this up.

Interesting name, though wannabe suicide bombers will be bitterly disappointed when they realise that the blowing up bit only refers to balloons, not themselves.

According to the breathless (sorry) release from the network, “In a celebration of skill, precision, creativity and joy, Blow Up transforms the humble balloon into jaw-dropping and awe-inspiring artistic creations.” So it’s people MacGyvering stuff out of balloons. 

The Blow Up concept is originally from the Netherlands, which is the spiritual home of bizarre reality show concepts. This is the country responsible for Deal or No Deal, Big Brother, Celebrity Saviour, The Voice, Incontinence Island, Fear Factor, Dating in the Dark and more.

Balloon MacGyvering is a serious business. The judge of the Australian version has the letters “CBA” after his name, which is “Certified Balloon Artist”. Not sure who he is certified by, but I’m an ordained reverend after five minutes on the internet, so who am I to judge?

My biggest concern about this TV show, apart from the everything, is the sound of balloons being man/woman/person-handled. That squeaking-scrunching audio abomination has to be one of the worst sounds ever, even if the balloon brandisher does create a cute animal an easily impressed four-year-old loses their shit over.

In keeping with this extremely niche reality TV show theme of annoying AF sounds, I’m currently pitching the following shows. If viewers love (or hate) the look and sound of people squeaking balloons (not a euphemism), they’ll be all over these concepts: 

*Slurp Showdown: Contestants compete to see who can slurp their tea / coffee / soup / liquid of choice the loudest and most obnoxiously. The cast will predominantly consist of deaf (sorry, hearing-impaired) senior citizens. Teeth optional. 

*Leaf Blower Love Connection: Singles (desperate for romance and more importantly the chance to become a social media influenza and join an FM radio breakfast crew for half an hour until the ratings tank) are paired up. They are sent on dates where they must recreate the lyrics to one-hit wonder love songs with leaves and then perform the number with said leaf blower.

*Polystyrene Panic: The talent is placed in a room filled with polystyrene pieces and must endure the sound of them rubbing together (the polystyrene, not the talent) for as long as possible. The last person standing wins a cash prize and all the polystyrene they can eat.

*Sniffing Superstars: Contestants show off their talent for sniffing loudly and obnoxiously, with judges critiquing and rating each performance. Additional points for the farming of bush oysters. Simon Cowell is interested.

*Pen-Clicking Island: Marooned on a deserted island with only a never-ending supply of old-school click pens for entertainment, the last person to go insane from the sound wins a shitty prize.

*Krunch Kamikazes: The kontestants are confined to a cinema screening endless silent movies and are challenged to rustle and crunch as many packets of chips as they can. The last person not to be killed by movie-goers wins a shitty prize. Deaf senior citizens need not apply.

But here’s the pièce of résistance…

A truly evil reality show that combines some of the above annoying AF sounds with a shock twist… it’s set in an open plan office, AKA a bullshit “collaborative workspace”.

For your consideration: Open-Plan Armageddon: A group of co-workers are locked in a hellscape open-plan office filled with clicking pens, slurping, sniffing and noisy chip-crunching, constant interruptions of colleagues wanting to “touch base”, irritating keyboard clicking, loud phone calls, eternal PowerPoints and oh, so much more. Definitely no WFH here. We can even throw in the odd D-grade celebrity intruder brandishing a leaf blower, polystyrene and balloons. The last person to lose their fucking mind wins a prize.

“Hello, is that the gazillion-dollar Dutch reality TV show company?”

©Steve Williams 2023